Holy Terror

Here's a question for you - what does the Catholic church have in common with Al Qaeda? Apart from the fact that they are both organisations representing hard line religious fundamentalists. Or the fact that they're both led by fanatics. Actually that last bit might be a trifle unfair. After all, Pope Benedict was only a member of the Hitler Youth, which, as we all know (or, at least, have been told by the Vatican's propagandists), was simply like the Boy Scouts. Mind you, I don't ever remember the Scouts having an achievement badge for genocide. Or shopping your parents to the Gestapo for being ideologically unsound. There is also no truth to the story that Osama bin Laden's most prized possession is a signed photograph of Pope John Paul II, or that a naked photo of Osama was found amongst the late John Paul's effects after his death. (Obviously, all of Osama's rude bits were covered by his artfully arranged beard - he wouldn't have wanted to shock the Pope, after all. Just titillate him a bit).

No, the correct answer is that both Catholic priests and Al Qeada agents pose a threat to the UK's children. If we're to believe the head of Britain's Security Service, Al Qeada is busy corrupting our disaffected youth. Quite how they do this unclear. Perhaps they cruise past schools, wearing dirty raincoats as they try to tempt young children into their 'terror-mobiles' (actually a 1988 Vauxhall Carlton), rustling paper bags full of goodies under their impressionable young noses - "Want a hand grenade, little boy?" Apparently they are also using chatrooms to 'groom' young people. Again, quite how you 'groom' anyone into involvement in terrorism isn't entirely clear. Maybe the terrorists start by praising the kids' physiques ("What fine strong shoulders you have - ideal for carrying explosives"), before making suggestions for self-improvement ("A huge beard would make you seem so much more masculine - you'll so easily be pulling all the virgins in Paradise"). Next thing these kids know, they'll find themselves blowing up a branch of McDonald's ("The unholy symbol of American imperialism"). Still, it's probably better than having your balls fondled by a pervy priest...