Weirdness From the Inbox of Doc Sleaze

I fear that some readers become a little confused and think that my qualification is a medical one, whereas, of course, it is simply an honourary title bestowed upon me by the Bracknell Institute of Sleaze. Nevertheless, I do like to try and help my faithful seekers after sleaze with their problems from time-to-time:


Dear Doc,

I’m hoping you can help me with a problem of a rather delicate nature. Since an early age I’ve had the gift of pyrokinesis - fires have always spontaneously ignited around me, usually at times of extreme emotional distress. After a series of childhood incidents, including my father’s shed burning down when I threw a temper tantrum after my mother refused to allow me to get my ears pierced at age nine, and the family cat being seriously scorched when I had my first period two and half years later (it suffered forty percent burns and some of its fur never grew back), I gradually learned to exert a degree of conscious control over my strange ability. I’ve learned to remotely light candles and my family have never needed to use fire lighters. Indeed, since my early twenties I have enjoyed a highly successful and rewarding career as a professional arsonist who leaves no physical evidence behind her! Nevertheless, there remain certain times when my powers still run amok - namely when I am in the throes of sexual passion. A series of promising relationships have broken up as a result of bed sheets catching fire and partners having their pubic hair - or worse - singed. One boyfriend broke up with me after his parents thirty-two inch widescreen TV exploded in a ball of flame as we made love on the living room carpet in their house. The insurance firm are still refusing to pay-out. I finally thought my problems were over when I met and fell for a young man with similar abilities to my own. However, I now fear for my own safety! Whilst we have not yet had penetrative sex, I recently wanked him off - to my horror, instead of ejaculating normally, a six foot long flame shot out of his penis, scorching my bedroom curtains! I am now terrified that if he comes inside of me during normal intercourse I will be baked from the inside out! What should I do?

Miss S Ronson, Budleigh Salterton

The Doc Replies: I’m afraid that I’m at something of a loss here as, in all my years tending that eccentric little practice we call weirdness, I’ve never come across anything quite like this. The last time I had patients experiencing combustion problems in bed, the root cause turned out to be a lack of proper lubrication - the friction caused by the man’s frenzied thrusting set their genitals and surrounding area alight, like a boy scout vigourously rubbing his stick. A jar of Vaseline solved the problem. I did have another case where a young man of my acquaintance found that his testicles glowed red after making love - they were so hot you could fry eggs on them (and we did, on at least three occasions). His solution was to keep a bucket of ice cold water by the bed and, when his nads began to sizzle, he’d give them a quick dip. Whilst this tended to fill his bedroom with clouds of steam, it did serve to cool his equipment sufficiently to avoid damage. Indeed, I think that a similar approach might be one possible solution to your problem - try packing your vaginal passage with ice before making love with your young man, hopefully this will douse any flames sufficiently to prevent serious internal injuries. The only other alternative I can think of is to have him wear an asbestos condom, although I’m afraid I don’t know whether these are regularly available at high street chemists.