Close Encounters From Behind

This coming August Bank Holiday a group of UFO enthusiasts will be baring their bottoms on a Welsh mountain side in the belief that they will be taken from behind by aliens. "It's the standard intergalactic means of greeting," says Glenn Tootland, the group's spokesperson. "Throughout the cosmos sentient beings see it as the ultimate sign of trust, that you are willing to turn your back on a stranger and allow them to enter your bared behind." According to Tootland, the aliens contacted him in a lay-by near Preston to inform him of the mass contact event. "It's their regular contact place - every Tuesday I park there in my car and wait to see if they have a message," he reveals. "As soon as I see the lights of their spaceship appear in my rear view mirror, I get out of the car, drop my trousers and wait to be taken!" As the aliens take him from behind, Tootland claims that they enter into telepathic communication with him. "As I'm thrown across the bonnet of my car and their ice cold probe slides into my rectum, I hear their strange guttural voices in my ear, grunting and gasping as they try to master our language," says the fifty three year old telephone engineer. "Often I can barely understand what they are saying. But this time they clearly told me to gather together the other contactees and prepare for a major event on the mountain."

Whilst Tootland is convinced that the aliens are benign and that the Bank Holiday event will herald them revealing themselves to the world, other UFOlogists are more sceptical. "They're clearly immoral perverts taking advantage of the weak and gullible," declares Leonard Jossty, president of the East Anglia UFO Contactee Society, who meet every Thursday night at the 'Severed Foot' public house in Harwich. "Everybody knows that the galaxy is rife with such deviants, who cruise solar systems looking for innocent lifeforms who aren't advanced enough to realise that they are being abused!" The heavily bearded librarian claims that his group have compiled a catalogue of incidents in which unsuspecting humans have fallen into the clutches of evil alien perverts. "Often they are abducted after being lured into the aliens' shiny spaceships with promises of sex with beautiful extraterrestial women, or sometimes just boiled sweets," Jossty says. "Once there, they find themselves subjected to all manner of filthy depredations, often disguised as scientific experiments!" These depredations often include painful anal probes, electrodes attached to the testicles or nipples, or simply general groping. Tootland remains unmoved. "Such incidents are merely misunderstandings stemming from the human race's immaturity," he argues. "We still find it impossible to interpret the penetration of our orifices in anything but a crudely sexual way. I look forward to the day when I won't be considered a sex pest for firmly grasping a strange woman's breasts in public and jiggling them up and down, and instead it will be recognised as a legitimate form of non-verbal communication. Hopefully, once we've all been given a good mass buggering by the aliens, the human race will finally be brought to galactic maturity!"