Massive Mammary Menace Strikes Britain

The authorities have moved swiftly to assuage fears that pneumatic model Jordan's outsize breasts might have 'gone rogue'. "Whilst these huge wallopies currently pose no threat to the public, if sighted, they should not, under any circumstances, be approached," Home Secretary John Reid told a press conference. "They should only be tackled by expert handlers." Worries that the breasts could have turned wild arose following press reports of the illness of Jordan's husband, self-styled singer Peter Andre. Despite statements from the hospital treating him that Mr Andre was suffering from meningitis, rumours were rife that he had actually been either crushed or suffocated by the gigantic gazonkas. "Even if that were the case, it still wouldn't be evidence that Jordan's titanic tits had turned vicious," declared a spokesperson for the couple. "It could simply have been an accident - hundreds of people a year are injured in accidents involving outsize breasts according the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents. Not that Peter was suffocated by them, obviously." Despite such reassurances, speculation that the monster mammaries have been on a murderous rampage are rife, although police in Jamaica have denied making enquiries to establish the whereabouts of Jordan's bodacious boobs on the night of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer's murder.

There has also been much speculation that - in addition to assaulting and possibly murdering several people - Jordan's breasts might also have been the cause of the recent earthquake which devastated large parts of Kent. Indeed, several eye-witnesses claim to have seen the huge honkers bouncing across the Garden of England, setting off massive earth tremors and crushing all in their path. "I came round the corner and there they were, bouncing up and down," says retired milkman Ron Hippler, who claims to have encountered the terrifying tremblers on a country road just outside Sevenoaks. "First the right one would fly up in the air and, just as it came crashing back down, the left one would go up! You could feel the earth moving with the repeated impacts - trees and telegraph poles were collapsing left, right and centre!" With the whamdanglers bearing down on him, Hippler desperately tried to put his car in to reverse, but succeeded only in stalling it. "I managed to leap clear just in time," he claims. "A few seconds later and I would have been crushed to death as the left one came crashing down on my Nissan Micra!" Mr Hippler's insurance company is currently refusing to pay out, claiming that his policy didn't cover giant breast attacks.

However, claims that the fearsome funsacks had been behind the Kent earthquakes have been dismissed by many commentators. "Everybody knows that illegal immigrants are behind this disaster," declares Ramsgate Tory councillor Reginald Plumpy. "With hundreds of thousands of them flooding into Kent through the Channel Tunnel everyday was inevitably going to have a seismic impact - the county simply cannot take their combined weight!" Others believe that the cause of the earthquake might be even more sinister. "My cousin who knows a bloke who delivers the milk to MI5 reckons that they intercepted a text message sent to every Muslim in Kent, ordering them to jump up and down simultaneously at the time of the earth tremor," says Tonbridge pizza delivery boy Rick Dangler. "Luckily, some of them had their phones turned off and didn't get it in time, otherwise the whole county could have fallen into the sea!" Jordan's breasts, meanwhile, are reported to have been captured in a specially reinforced brassiere, with underwire support, after being cornered in a Dover lap dancing club.