Monday, April 23, 2007

Time and Again...

Do you know what one of my favourite parts of the day is? Of course you don't. I don't know why I'm asking such a stupid question. However, I'll tell you what one of my favourite bits of the day is - it is that period which comes just before you wake up fully, when you drift in that strange netherworld between sleep and consciousness. It is a strange state, in which you are aware of sounds and movements around you, and have conscious, rational thoughts, but at the same time, your subconscious continues to spin dream-like fantasies, usually guided by those thoughts. Lately, I've been using this time to explore one of my perennial obsessions - the question of if I could go back in time to earlier points in my life, what could I do to change it for the better? The most obvious point I could go back to would be nearly ten years ago, when - due in large part to my own arrogance and complacency - I had a spectacular falling out with my then employer and lost my (very well paid) job. Whilst I survived the subsequent monetary difficulties (not to mention difficulties in finding new employment), life could have been a lot easier. For one thing, I might not have started losing my hair so rapidly!

But, even if I could somehow drift back to the late 1990s and somehow warn my younger self away from danger, would things have turned out any better? As I span my fantasy of not being sacked, and moved my life on from that point, I realised that I still wouldn't have been happy. I didn't believe in what I was doing any more. I had no sympathy with the aims of my employer and detested most of the people I worked for and with (with the honourable exception of my then office-mates). The fact is that even before I lost that job, I was feeling vaguely dissatisfied with my life and was increasingly casting my semi-conscious mind back to circa 1970 -it had seemed to me at the time that everything after this point had been downhill! There was also the question of all the things that I wouldn't have done if I'd kept that job. I probably wouldn't be writing The Sleaze, or this blog, for that matter. I probably wouldn't have met one of the closest friend I now have - would I really be willing to trade her friendship for a job and financial security? Whilst I lost of material benefits as a result of my sacking, I've subsequently gained a greater degree of emotional security and satisfaction. The truth is, despite having had to accept some truly shitty work to make ends meet, I've ended up in a happier place than I was before.

Which brings me, ramblingly, to my point. In truth, even if we could, is there anything in our past that we should change? After all, isn't all that life experience, whether good or bad, what made us who we are now? I suppose if you've turned out to be a serial killer, say, then there might be a case for changing things. Then again, you probably quite enjoy your 'work'. Whatever. The long and the short of it is, that I've decided that I'm going to have to find a new subject for those fantasies I enjoy when on the cusp of consciousness...



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