Hearts of Uranium

People get so worked up about the most trivial things. Take this business of body parts removed from nuclear facility workers (presumably during post-mortems) being stored at nuclear sites - it caused quite a furore the other week, with relatives ranting on about how outrageous it was that it had been done without their consent. Jesus! Don't these people realise that the nuclear industry is just trying to protect them? Surely everybody must know by now that irradiated human beings (and if the organ donors were nuclear workers undergoing post-mortems, we must assume that they had received fatal doses of radiation), inevitably mutate into horrible glowing mutants with a taste for human flesh. Do we really want hordes of these atomic zombies rampaging around Britain, felling people by the dozen with their deadly radioactive touch? I think not. Clearly, by removing some of the vital organs, the nuclear industry was merely ensuring that they were incapacitated.

Obviously, these organs could themselves be dangerous, even when separated from their host body. Hence the need to lock them away securely. Britain's cities really can do without being menaced by huge pulsating hearts, eerily glowing, as vastly enlarged by exposure to radiation, they crawl the streets in search of blood. Even worse, killer kidneys could be engulfing people - when they weren't being blinded by the bile being squirted in their eyes by evil livers. Yes indeed, we could all be strangled in our beds by lengths of slithering intestines. Thanks to the foresight of those brave boys at our nuclear research facilities, women can walk the streets at night, safe in the knowledge that they won't be sexually assaulted by a set of glowing disembodied hands. (Actually, to digress slightly, have you ever thought how useful a set of glowing hands would be for sex offenders? It would make groping in the dark much easier - they'd be able to quite clearly see what they were doing). So, before you start bleating on about how terrible this alleged organ scandal is, spare a thought for those working at AWE Aldermaston and similar sites, who have to guard and tend to row upon row of cages full of such hideous mutated organs day and night, living with the ever-present threat of them breaking out and wreaking havoc...