Put 'Em Away!

Apart from bloody barbecues, you know what else it is that I really hate about Summer? It is those bloody bastards who suddenly decide to walk around without their shirts on. I ask you, what is it about this country which induces men, at the slightest glimmering of sunlight, to put their grotesque beer-bellies on public display? Don't you flabby gits understand - we don't want to see them! I am sure that women do not find the sight of some horrible wobbling white rolls of fat attractive. And trust me, we guys are not envious of your 'manly' physique! I really don't understand it - I have a physique which I know is best left under wraps - I wouldn't dream of unleashing it upon an unsuspecting world. Yet every year, thousands, possibly millions, of British men in far worse shape than me happily wander around with either their shirt unbuttoned to the waist, or, even worse, no shirt at all. OK, I suppose it could be argued that it is a good thing as it indicates that men are increasingly happy and at ease with their imperfect bodies. Unfortunately, I am not at ease with them!

Perhaps even worse than the pillocks who walk around shirtless, are the ones who drive in such a condition. Do they really want to cause accidents? Do they perhaps think that it is somehow 'macho' to drive around in their Peugeot 205 Special Edition Tosspot semi-naked? The only positive aspect to these clowns driving rather than walking in this state of undress is that at least their grotesque wobbly bellies, spilling out over the tops of their trousers (or even worse: shorts), aren't visible to the rest of us. As someone who vividly remembers the vinyl covered car seats of the 1970s, the very idea of pressing your naked flesh to a car seat on a hot day fills me full of horror. I still have painful memories of the skin nearly peeling off of my thighs when getting out of my father's MK 1 Ford Escort (I was still at junior school, where shorts were part of the required uniform) on Summer days.

But really, the government should impose some kind of Summer 'dress code' which requires shirts to be worn at all times whilst in public. I'm not sure how many fat, balding, gold chain bedecked, chain smoking semi-nudists I can stand seeing this Summer. For God's sake, put 'em away!