Artistic Bollocks

Now I know that people died and others were seriously injured, so it isn't really any fit subject for humour, but - that business on Sunday when that giant inflatable sculpture took off with visitors on board, before crashing back to earth, definitely has potential. Of course, the whole thing would most definitely have been funnier if the sculpture, instead of being an abstract, had been of a huge pair of breasts, or a giant set of cock and balls. Imagine that - a huge pair of double D cups rolling over the rooftops, people clinging to the nipples for dear life, their ordeal only ended when one of the big knockers is punctured by a church steeple. Even their demise would be exciting - people on the ground running to safety as the billowing breasts slowly collapse onto a school...

Mind you, it has to be said that the idea of a giant inflatable penis full of visitors flying off is even funnier, especially if the bollocks in question were modeled on those of someone famous. You can just imagine the news reports:

'Two people died and scores more were injured this afternoon when a giant inflatable sculpture of Robbie Williams' genitals broke loose from its moorings in a Scunthorpe park and rose sixty feet into the air. It was full of visitors - who are encouraged to enter and explore the whole structure - at the time. Eyewitnesses described how some victims could be seen dangling from the scrotum as the sculpture soared into the air, whilst at least two people were witnessed falling from the penis' urethra. "They were like tears dropping from a Jap's Eye," commented local poet Armstrong Whitworth. "It was as if, having enjoyed the artistic pleasures of Robbie's giant genitals, they were ejaculated forth to fertilise the imaginations of others."

It is thought that the abnormally high temperatures experienced during the current heatwave raised the temperature of the air in the sculpture enough to make it behave like a crude hot air balloon. "Its shape, particularly the scrotum with its two huge testicles, was conducive to producing a high degree of lift," explained a spokesperson for the local Fire Brigade. The situation was made worse when a sudden gust of wind caught the sculpture when it was already in the air, and blew it toward a local housing estate, where it damaged several houses. "I heard all this commotion and looked out of the bedroom window to see what it was all about, only to be confronted by this huge penis swooping towards me," says still shaken pensioner Elsie Clutters. "It came crashing through the window and pinned me against the wall, before vanishing out of the window again!" The penis also brought down several chimney pots and crashed through three roofs before being punctured by a television aerial. However, its occupants ordeal was far from over as the giant genitalia plummeted to earth, directly on top of a children's playground. "There were terrified children screaming and running for their lives as it went down on the swings and slide," says local woman Janet Probe. "I'm sure my six year old daughter will be traumatised for life after nearly being smothered to death by an outsize set of male genitals. If she grows up to be a lesbian I'll be suing the artist!"

Once the sculpture was back on the ground, rescuers moved quickly to free the visitors still trapped inside it. "Most of them were gathered in the scrotal sack," explains firefighter Sandy Beeches. "We had to literally tear open Robbie Williams' nads to get at them - there's a story for the grandchildren: I ripped holes in Robbie's bollocks!" Despite the number of casualties, local police have expressed relief that the outcome hadn't been worse. "I just thank God that Robbie's penis hadn't been modeled in an erect state," said Chief Inspector Andy Dipster. "There's only a limited amount of damage a flaccid thirty foot long penis can do. Had it been erect, not only would it have been longer, but it would inevitably have caused far more damage to property, knocking down houses, telegraph poles and perhaps even bringing down power lines." The sculptor, seventy two year old Ronald Spheris, who specialises in giant inflatable erotica, has vowed never to make such a sculpture again. "I should have known that Robbie's three-piece set were too much for any mere mortals to handle," a distraught Spheris told the press.'

Ah well, a man can but dream!