Five Knuckle Shuffle

There is just so much going on at the moment that I want to get my teeth into, but before I look at things like the abolition of the Child Support Agency, runaway giant inflatable sculptures and my strange experiences with neighbours, I feel that I really must tackle the issue of reality catching up with The Sleaze. Now, it was bad enough a few years ago when I discovered the existence of the Australian duo who bill themselves as 'Puppetry of the Penis' - I was left asking myself how I was expected to keep up in the fictional weirdness stakes when there were guys out there willing to do that sort of thing with their genitalia in the name of entertainment. I mean, it really is beyond satire, isn't it? But, somehow, I reached deep inside myself and found my inner reserves of sleaziness. Nevertheless, no matter how bizarre I make the stories, reality always seems to want to catch up with The Sleaze (if not actually overtake it). For instance, at the height of the 'War on Terror' last Summer, there were reports that police had arrested several men in Tooting under Anti-Terror legislation. Apparently they worked in a kebab shop. For God's sake, were the police using that old archive story Mad Mullah's Barbecue - in which terrorists hijack kebab vans in Tooting to mount suicide attacks on fast food outlets - as an intelligence source?

Now I find that Channel Four is to carry live TV coverage of a charity 'Wankathon'. I really think this is going too far! I'm sorry, but such things do not exist - I made them up for the story The Loneliest Art back in 2003, where I proposed a celebrity Wankathon as part of the BBC's annual 'Children in Need' telethon. The likes of Jonathan Ross, Darren Day and Jamie Oliver were to have vied for the title of 'Britain's Top Tosser'. Actually, this celebrity event was, as I recall, simply a sideshow to 'Mass-Turbation 2003' in which over ten thousand wankers were to relay live footage of themselves whacking off to a charity website via their webcams - it was to be the largest ever simultaneous masturbation event. Anyway, Channel Four is now claiming that they are to televise the first British 'Wankathon', and assert that similar events have been held in the US for several years. Oh yeah? How many years exactly? Three, perhaps? I should bloody well sue the bastards! I really think I deserve some credit for the concept of the charity wankathon (which someone has clearly ripped off). Particularly if they actually make money - I want my share of the royalties! Pay up you bastards!