Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Two Fisted Pontiff

So, this business of the Pope decking a parishioner, or whatever the Hell happened, what's that about, eh?  OK,  so, in reality, he only slapped away the hand of someone trying to touch him, but if you were to believe the press, Pope Francis might as well have punched them in the face and given them a kicking while they were down.  I don't know why the media were acting all shocked about it - after all, it isn't as if the papacy doesn't have a track record when it comes to violence.  Let's not forget the Borgias.  I know, that was centuries ago - things have changed since then and the Vatican has become devoted to peace.  Even when they have a former Hitler Youth member in charge.  But this latest outburst from the unlikely source of Pope Francis - does it have any significance?  Could it be that the Pope is becoming tired of those groupies who keep throwing themselves at him?  It's long been a problem, you know - all those old biddies desperate to touch the Pontiff in the hope having their lumbago cured, or their continence restored.  Not to mention the sex starved nuns with erotic fixations upon the Pope - shagging him would be the next best thing to bedding Jesus himself.  With this Pope - who is seen as a bit 'Rock and Roll' with his radical approach of, well, being guided by the actual teachings of Christ - it has reached epidemic proportions.  Nuns have been known to secrete themselves in his wardrobe and leap out, clad only in their wimples, when His Holiness enters his bedroom. 

But perhaps it's part of a bigger plan.  Maybe Pope Francis is planning to become the 'Two Fisted Pontiff', using his martial arts skills to fight evil.  Who knows, perhaps the person he swatted away was actually an assassin, planning to off him?  I'd imagine, though, that the Pope's strategy is further reaching than just foiling assassination attempts.  He's probably tired o the limitations of trying to fight evil through the power of prayer and doing good deeds - it's so time consuming and, at his age, he needs to see instant results.  So what better way to get them than by taking the god fight directly to the bad guys.  Now, while he could simply go out on the streets of Rome and beat up a few pimps and drug dealers, I'm willing to bet that he has bigger plans than that.  Beating up Trump, for instance.  I'm expecting him to challenge the ambulatory tub of lard to a no holds barred fist fight, with world peace as the prize.  Maybe giving the adulterer and fornicator Boris Johnson a good kicking for a follow up.  Both contests would, of course, just be warm ups for the main event: taking on the Prince of Darkness himself, Vladimir Putin.  Perhaps he could follow all this with a challenge contest against other world religious leaders in order to establish, once and for all, which faith should have global hegemony. 

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