Thursday, June 06, 2019

Fake War News

Well, at least that fat fascist Trump has finally waddled off out of my country.  Apparently today he was invading France.  I certainly hope that someone told him that it wasn't real, just a commemoration of the real D-Day in 1944. Still, we should be thankful for Trump, or at least one of his German ancestors, for the vital contribution they made to the allied victory in Normandy.  It is little remembered now that Frederick Von Trumpenhoffer, having bought himself a commission in the Wehrmacht, eventually bribing his way to the rank of General and a position on Hitler's staff.  He was apparently instrumental in the latter's decision not to immediately release the reserve Panzer divisions to counter the invasion, telling Hitler that the Normandy landings were 'Fake Noooz, mein Fuhrer', and that he had been advised that only a handful of allied soldiers had been seen there.  He went on to tell Hitler and other assorted generals that the reason Churchill was so down on the Nazis was because of a pre war business deal gone wrong: 'I had to sue him and he's hated me ever since - I don't blame him, but I had no choice.'

Von Trumpenhoffer later tried to deny any involvement in the Third Reich and the 'final solution' during the Nuremberg War Trials, describing the holocaust as 'Fake noooz - all part of a communist conspiracy to discredit Germany'.  He also told the court that he had lost money on the concentration camps, as they had proven to be a bad investment, producing only sub-standard soap despite the resources put into them.  'There were too many illegal immigrants involved in their running', he opined.  He also offered the opinion that Hitler had made a mistake in invading the Soviet Union, saying that he should have built a wall using slave labour to 'keep the filthy Slavs out'.  Even after a 'guilty' verdict, Von Trumpenhoffer continued to insist that the trial had, in fact, exonerated him: 'No collusion, no extermination' he claimed, even as he walked to the gallows.  His family subsequently moved to the US, Anglicising their name to 'Trump' in the process.  As a curious coda to the life of  Frederick Von Trumpenhoffer, it later emerged that he had been the original inspiration for Sergeant Schultz, the fat prison camp guard in Hogan's Heroes, whose catch phrase was originally going to be 'It's fake nooz, Colonel Klink, nobody has escaped'.  However, it was thought not to be catchy enough and didn't sound like anything a real person would say, so was replaced by the familiar 'I see nothing!'

All fake news?  Well, what the Hell, Trump started it, lying his way through his state visit to the UK.  Why shouldn't we fashion a fake family history for him - it's far better than the truth of inheriting his wealth from his father and faking a successful business career. 

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