Monday, May 20, 2019

Monster Contest

So, another couple of annual cultural highlights have come and gone for another year.  I speak, of course, of the FA Cup and Eurovision Song Contest.  I can't remember the last time I watched either, let alone felt remotely interested in either of them.  OK, I can't deny that if Spurs were in an FA Cup final, I would watch it, but what was once the highlight of the English football season has lost so much of its allure.  I remember when it was a TV event, with several hours of dedicated programming leading up to a three o'clock kick off.  I couldn't even tell you when it kicks off now.  But enough of football, what of Euorvision, that once joyous event which has now turned into an annual humiliation for the UK?  It's just become a bore, forever threatening to drown its own camp.  This year I decided instead to watch the most recent Godzilla film which was showing on ITV.  Watching a giant lizard going several rounds with a couple of other monsters, demolishing large parts of San Francisco in the process was far more entertaining than sitting through several hours of bad songs. 

It did occur to me, while watching Godzilla, that here was a possible solution to the UK's guaranteed poor performances at Eurovision: harnessing the power of Godzilla.  Not that it has to be Godzilla - any huge and terrifying monster would do, although the ability to breath fire would be a distinct advantage.  Anyway, getting back to the point, what we need to do in future is to find some kind of huge monster, (if I'm to believe the many monster movies I've seen, they are frequently turning up frozen in blocks of ice, or awakened from the ocean's depths by nuclear tests, so it shouldn't be too difficult to find one), and have it on stand by during the voting on Eurovision.  As soon as anyone gives you 'zero points', just send the beast around to incinerate their capital city - subsequent national juries, seeing that, will definitely re-think their votes.  Such scenes of destruction should also focus the minds of those participating in the public vote.  I know this sounds a drastic solution, but either its this, or we have to sop entering such shitty songs.  As that isn't likely to happen any time soon, I'm afraid we'll just have to start looking for a suitable monster to recruit.  I mean, how difficult could that be?  With the polar ice caps melting thanks to climate change, there should be all sorts of these creatures thawing out over the next few years...



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