Making the Effort

You'd think that I'd be ecstatically happy, still being signed off from work sick and, consequently, having lots of time on my hands.  Surprisingly, though, I find myself feeling somewhat down.  In part, this is undoubtedly due to the side effects to the drugs I'm taking that I'm still suffering.  In particular, those stomach upsets which, whilst gradually diminishing in strength, seem to recur on a weekly basis.  Their effects can still be debilitating, resulting in at least one sleepless night a week and temporary losses of appetite and general discomfort.  On top of that, I now have to contend with the fatigue caused by the beta blockers I've started taking: by slowing the heart rate, they also prevent it from responding normally to exercise or exertion, leaving me feeling that I'm running out of steam too easily.  All of which leaves me feeling tired and spending too much time in bed - to the extent that I end up feeling disgusted with myself for not using my time more productively.

But, as I've noted before, being off work sick is like being in limbo: I never know how long my absence is going to last, making it difficult to plan ahead.  I'm reluctant to try and schedule any activities more than a few days in advance, in case I'm suddenly not free to pursue them any more.  Subsequently, my whole life feels like it lacks purpose right now, with nothing concrete to look forward to.  Sure, my ultimate aim is to get well and recover my health, but most of that process is, in practical terms, being taken care of by the medications I've been prescribed.  Unfortunately, in order to allow them to act effectively, I'm having to do things like drastically cut back my alcohol intake (which was pretty low to start with), cut down my sugar intake, which means giving up all sorts of things I enjoy.  Along with the stomach upsets, this has left me feeling that eating and drinking are no longer things I can derive any pleasure from.

And what do I have to look forward to when my condition improves?  Returning to a job I despise and don't want to do?  Is it any wonder that I'm feeling unmotivated!  At least the job situation can be resolved in a relatively straightforward way by resigning once I'm no longer signed off.  That said, I really need to properly explore other potential options before I burn my bridges completely.  Except that my current lethargy and listlessness has so far undermined any efforts in that direction.  I really need to start doing things again.  I tried last week but, with the tiredness caused by the beta blockers kicking in, I just ran out of steam as the weekend progressed.  Still, I did make some progress today: I actually bought the glue I need to try and repair and return to service another model railway locomotive.  All I need to do now is actually carry out the repair.  But that's the trouble - right now everything seems to require so much bloody effort.