Christmas Watch 2014

Well, today marked my first sighting of the season of Christmas-related paraphernalia.  Once again, Tesco was the culprit, with a Christmas tree appearing at the entrance of a local branch.  Still, I suppose we should be thankful that they at least waited until November, (although things like mince pies have been on the shelves since September, the season doesn't really start until the trees start appearing).  It can only be a matter of days now before the municipal decorations start going up all over Crapchester - well, in the main shopping centre, at least and even then mainly in the bits with the biggest shops.  The bits on the edges, with the smaller, slightly dodgy looking businesses and charity shops will have to make do with a few lights which don't work strung from the lampposts.  As usual, some lower league celebrity who has had the misfortune to be cast in the local pantomime will be on hand to switch the lights on.  I remember that one year it was to be Marti Caine (remember her?).  She died rather than go through with the ignominy of switching on Crapchester's Christmas lights.  Ted Rogers had to do it instead.  I seem to recall that he dies not long afterwards.  Presumably of shame.

Of course, the municipal Christmas lights are only of secondary interest here in Crapchester.  It is the private displays of garish decorations mounted on houses and in gardens which really matter.  Will this year's crop be as good as previous years, or will austerity have finally taken its toll?  We'll doubtless see over the next few weeks whether the excesses of previous years can be exceeded.  But getting back to that Christmas tree in Tescos, how long will it be before the rest of the decorations appear?  Not to mention the piped seasonal music?  Will they have acquired a new CD of Christmas song covers this year, or will he have to endure that instrumental version of John Lennon's 'This is Christmas' played on the pan pipes again?  Ah, the pleasures of the festive season!  Obviously, as ever here at The Sleaze, we'll be celebrating Winterval again, rather than just Christmas, in our annual attempt to turn Daily Mail readers apoplectic.  Our annual Winterval appeal will be launched soon and, once again, we'll be asking readers to send us their old pornography for 'recycling' -  it will be passed on to those needy folks who can't afford internet access and the free access to all forms of filth it allows.  Hopefully our efforts can ensure them a very happy Winterval.