Pregnant Pause

Another Royal pregnancy.  Do I care?  Not really.  But perhaps I should.  According to those crackpot conspiracy theorists, such things are carefully timed so as to distract the public's attention from other major issues.  Maybe they are right: the Tories start losing by-elections to UKIP, the government is consequently in a state of panic, Ebola is running wild in Africa and now threatening to spread (shock horror) to the US and Europe - so what's the solution?  That's right, another Royal pregnancy starts to dominate the front pages in order to distract the attention of the stupid masses whilst the Tories slip on Nazi armbands to try and out-fascist UKIP and NATO napalms West Africa out of existence in order to resolve the Ebola crisis.  All of which begs the question: just how do the shady powers behind the scenes manage to get these Royal women to conceive on cue?  Do they have special artificial insemination teams on stand-by?  Maybe they like to do it the 'old fashioned' way and have 'studs' on call at all times, just in case a political crisis breaks, (not that I'm saying that our Royal princes aren't up to the job, but you know what I mean).

Perhaps, though, the pregnancies are entirely fake.  I mean, we all know the upper classes flinch at the very idea of physical contact, let alone having sex - it's just so vulgar and lower class to rut like animals.  That's for the peasants. They'd rather it was all done for them by someone else, so that they can avoid all the messy bits and just get with riding horses, shooting things and being rich.  So when a convenient Royal pregnancy is needed, the princess in question just has to fake a bit of morning sickness and wear a series of fake pregnancy bumps for the next nine months.   When it comes to the birth, they are whipped into an exclusive private hospital where a new born child is put into their arms and they parade it to the press and public on a convenient balcony.  Now, I know what you are going to ask - where did the actual baby come from?  Well, it's probably snatched from some random working class single mother who is told that they suffered a miscarriage.  Which would explain why Royal offspring frequently don't look like their parents.  For all I know, they might regularly change the children as they grow up, if the original develops a degenerative disease or turns out to be mentally disabled.  Now, is that crackpot enough to get me inducted into the Crackpot Conspiracy Hall of Fame?