Roundabout Crusoe

Police believe that a man found dead on a traffic roundabout in Crapchester earlier this week might have been there for weeks, or even months. "Whilst the unfortunate individual had only been dead for a matter of hours when he was found, we believe that he had been living on the roundabout for some time," Inspector Andy Cobblers told the local newspaper. "When officers searched the roundabout they found a crude shelter constructed from plastic shopping bags and pieces of cardboard that had blown onto the roundabout." It is thought that the man had become stranded on the roundabout some months previously, possibly after a car accident. "It's on a very busy road intersection," Cobblers explains. "Once on there, it would be very difficult to get off again." Indeed, in recent months several motorists had reported seeing a wild figure in ragged clothes and and sporting a huge straggly beard waving frantically at them from the roundabout. "They just thought he was some kind of vagrant," says Cobblers. "Similarly, when the flowers planted on the roundabout as a feature were rearranged to form the word 'Help!', it was dismissed as a student prank."

Whilst a post-mortem has yet to be carried out, early indications are that the castaway died of malnutrition. "Food supplies on the roundabout are very limited," says Cobblers. "We think that he was forced to sustain himself on half-eaten burgers and apple cores discarded by passing motorists. Obviously, this was insufficient. There is evidence that towards the end he had resorted to eating the flowers and grass on the roundabout." Police were alerted to the presence of a dead body on the roundabout by a council maintenance crew who had gone there to tend to the flower borders. "The county 'Towns in Bloom' competition is coming up," explains a spokesperson for Crapchester Borough Council. "So we were looking to tidy up all our roundabouts and traffic islands with a few flowers - if it wasn't for our determination to improve upon last year's bronze medal, that poor devil could have lain there undiscovered for years!" There has been much consternation amongst local residents about the length of time it took to find the deceased castaway. "It's bloody outrageous," declared Wilf Nadds. "If they want to do better than third place, they need to pull their bloody fingers out and tend to the flowers on these roundabouts all year round. To be frank, they'll be lucky to finish in the top ten this year, the way they've let things go!"