Behind the Beard

Fat men shouldn't sport goatee beards. It's something I've always suspected, but which I'm now sure about. It was the sight of Radio 2 DJ Steve Wright in those TV ads for the station which firmed up my opinions on the subject. When Wright was young and thin and on Radio One, he sported a moustache, but no beard. Mind you, those were the days when you didn't see goatees outside of episodes of Star Trek (the Klingons, amongst other aliens, sported them), or Doctor Who, (the Master had a natty goatee in his earlier incarnations). Moustaches were in amongst a certain media types in those days - mainly porn actors, it has to be said. Not that there was much chance of the younger Wright being mistaken for a porn performer (gay or straight), with his prominent conk and glasses. Indeed, the 'tache suited him, drawing attention away from that nose. Anyway, to return to the point, with years, Wright has put on the pounds, (so have I, for that matter), and decided, for some reason best known to himself, to extend his moustache into a goatee. The end result is that he now looks like chubby comic actor Mike McShane, (look him up).

What possessed Wright to grow the goatee is beyond me - it isn't as if recent popular culture isn't littered with dire warnings of trying to mix the fuller figure with the chin duster. Just look at former Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez. Not only did that goatee he sported during his latter days at Anfield scream 'midlife crisis', but, with his physique and penchant for black suits and white shirts, it made him look like a Spanish waiter. I also speak from personal experience. A few years ago I briefly sported a goatee. I was younger, thinner and had more hair back then, I really thought I looked the business. Then I caught sight of myself in the wing mirror of my car - Looked like The Dude from The Big Lebowski. Needless to say, despite my respect for Jeff Bridges and my love of that film, the razor came out that evening. I've come to the conclusion that if you are a bit on the chubby side and develop a craving for facial hair, you are better off going for the full beard. Just look at Micheal Moore. Or Eliot Hope on Holby City. Just keep it trimmed, mind you. There's nothing worse than a fat bloke with a straggly beard.