Monday, June 27, 2011

Floater Voter?

So, Glastonbury has come and gone again, almost without me noticing. I must admit that it crept up on me this year, so I didn't have time to come up with my usual sarcastic posts about mud and crapping in hedges, or the patronising depiction of locals by the London-centric BBC coverage. Apparently, they had trouble with the toilets again - there was a complaint about a horrible floater in the VIP crappers, but it turned out to be a dead Tory advisor. It seems he'd been there overnight and was only discovered when a desperate Beyonce was forced to take a dump behind the VIP trailers. She'd spent nearly fifteen minutes hammering on the toilet door screaming: "For the love of God will you hurry up and finish in there - I've been sitting on a horse's head for the last half hour and now I'm touching cloth!"

Whilst police were yesterday describing the death as 'unexplained', some early reports suggested that this guy - a pal of David Cameron, it seems - had committed suicide. I must admit that shitting yourself to death would constitute a unique way of topping oneself. More recent reports seem to indicate that he suffered a massive heart attack. I must say that I can sympathise there - I've taken some humongous dumps that I thought were going to give me a coronary. When you are straining so hard that you face is red, eyes bulging, sweat is pouring down your forehead and the veins are standing out, you really need to reconsider your diet. Anyway, the most 'unexplained' thing about this death is question of what some Tory bastard was doing at Glastonbury in the first place? Was he trying to get down with the kids by listening to the latest beat combos? Whatever the reason, can't there be one place left where we don't have to put up with these horrible people? Apparently not, it seems.



Blogger Pam Christian Anderson said...

Glastonbury has been full of conservative (with a big and small c)wankers for some time. And thats just the acts. No just kidding, but seriously the post-modern mantra that ideologogy is dead and acquiescence to the neo-liberal free markets as 'The Only Alternative' means that it is now considered uncool if you do have political opinions, or think that Tory MPs do not belong at what should be a counter-culter or at the very least some kind of alternative event. But its not. Going to festivals and gigs is the new clubbing, 'Indie' bands are too cool now to get involved in politics and the whole landscape of our culture is bland, bland, bland. If you want to hang out somewhere guaranteed to be free of conservative cunts I am afraid your best bet is probably the local witherspoons. Whatever happens, you will always find some local colour in your friendly neighbourhood alcoholic hangout.

1:34 p.m.  

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