Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Political Cat-astrophe

"There's no doubt that Nick Clegg is bloody worried by the immediate impact Larry's had in Downing Street," a government insider has revealed. "He fears that cat could be a credible contender for his job." Larry the cat, ostensibly brought into Number Ten to combat a problem with rats, recently hit the headlines when he took control of the government whilst Prime Minister David Cameron was in the Middle East selling arms to local despots. "Nick made the mistake of picking that week to go on a skiing holiday," explains the insider. "I mean, it was an easy mistake to make when you are Deputy Prime Minister - forgetting that you are meant to be in charge when the Prime Minister's away. Sadly for him, the cat saw his opportunity and seized it." Four year old tabby Larry impressed ministers, civil servants and advisers with his decisiveness. "They were amazed at the number of major decisions he made in such a short time," says the insider. "All of them were about fish, but nonetheless, they were decisions. It was a real contrast with the times that Clegg has been left in the driving seat."

Clegg is reportedly especially worried by the fact that the cat is actually resident in Number Ten. "Whilst there's a connecting corridor between Nick's room in the Cabinet Office and Number Ten, it just isn't the same as the cat flap Larry has in the back door of the Prime Minister's house," says the insider. "Besides, David has got so fed up with him keep wandering in at all hours, he's jammed a chair under the handle of Nick's connecting door." Clegg has apparently tried to gain access to the Prime Minister via Larry's cat flap, but was foiled by the fact that he wasn't wearing a collar with a magnetic device to unlock the flap. "He's worried by the fact that Larry doesn't just have the Prime Minister's ear, but that he's also usurped Nick's place curled up at the foot of David's bed," the insider reveals. "He's tried everything to try and regain David's favour - the other week he even walked into a Cabinet meeting carrying a dead rat in his mouth, and dropped it at the Prime Minister's feet. The trouble was that Larry had already brought him three birds, two mice, a draft of a key note speech on immigration and a white paper on health care reform."

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