Brotherly Love

With former Foreign Secretary David Miliband having decided to return to the back benches in the wake of his unexpected defeat in the Labour leadership battle at the hands of his younger brother Ed, the BBC's chief political correspondent, Nick Robinson, has revealed what he claims is the true origin of the fierce rivalry between the siblings. "It all comes down to a childhood argument about a favourite TV programme," he told a clearly bemused Huw Edwards on yesterday's Six O'Clock News. "Like all geeks, the Miliband brothers are both huge Star Trek fans, never missing an episode of any of its many incarnations." According to the chrome domed former Young Conservative, a rift quickly developed between David and Ed as to who was the best commander of the USS Enterprise. "Not surprisingly, dispassionate intellectual David favoured the Next Generation's Picard, with his cool, thoughtful and diplomatic approach to intergalactic affairs," opined Robinson, speaking live from the Labour Conference. "By contrast, hot headed radical Ed preferred the two-fisted approach of the classic series' Captain Kirk, who believed that any problem, no matter how big, could be resolved by beaming down to a planet and engaging in a one-on-one fist fight with alien menaces, before sexually harassing a few female crew members."

Robinson alleged, on the basis of unattributed sources, that David Miliband's campaign team had been shocked when Ed started running his campaign in a Kirk-like manner. "Apparently he kept turning up at hustings surrounded by red-shirted security guards," he claimed, as Huw Edwards desperately tried to cut to another story. "He'd then overact outrageously during the debates, drawing attention away from David's carefully constructed arguments with his histrionics." In perhaps the most serious allegation, Robinson said that he had been told by somebody whose cousin's friend was there, that, during a leadership debate held at a local constituency party, Ed had deployed the 'Corbomite Manoeuvre'. "Unable to defeat his brother by means of reason, he threatened to explode if the older Miliband didn't withdraw from the debate," the dome headed political commentator insisted on telling the studio, in spite of Huw Edward's desperate hand gestures to wind up the item. "Astoundingly, it worked!"

Having finally defeated David in the leadership election, Ed apparently added insult to injury by explaining his victory to his brother with the words: "The needs of the many outweighed the needs of the one." Robinson contended that this quote from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, dashed any lingering possibility of David standing for election to the new Shadow Cabinet and becoming Spock to Ed's Kirk. "Sources close to David have told me that he's consoling himself with the knowledge that, in Star Trek: Generations, it is Picard's cool intellect, rather than Kirk's all-action approach, which finally won the day," Robinson concluded, much to Edwards' relief. The BBC correspondent's claims have been roundly denied by spokespersons for both Miliband brothers, who claimed that both brothers were actually Doctor Who fans. "Ah, but isn't it true that David favours the measured approach of William Hartnell, whilst Ed prefers the more flamboyant approach of Venusian martial-arts expert Jon Pertwee?" responded Robinson, who has rejected charges of trivialising the entire Labour leadership race by persistently presenting inconsequential tittle-tattle about the Milibands as political comment.