The Suicide Exchange

With growing calls for so-called 'suicide chat rooms' - where the depressed, despairing and Goths go to discuss the best methods of killing themselves and form 'suicide pacts' - to be closed down, one internet entrepreneur is proposing to instead replace them with 'suicide exchanges'. "Just committing suicide is so negative and selfish," opines Terry Trapwitt. "I mean, it's all about you - apart from ending your own life and making a few close relatives and friends upset for a while, what does it achieve? Who is going to remember even a few days after the event, let alone a few years?" Trapwitt is proposing a scheme which will allow the suicidal to ensure that their demise has further reaching consequences than simply delaying the 8.15 Woking to Waterloo train they throw themselves in front of, and making several hundred commuters late for work. "You can only commit suicide once - so make it count," he told the press as he unveiled the 'Suicide Exchange'. "We guarantee to put the suicidal in touch with some of the world's top terrorist organisations. Don't just take an overdose, when you could instead be strapping on several pounds of explosives and blowing up a bus in Jerusalem." Defending his scheme against allegations of bad taste, Trapwitt insists that he is providing a genuine service for the suicidal. "Suicide is such a sad, lonely event, we're just trying to ensure that these poor souls don't die alone," he explains. "Not only that, but they won't be forgotten for a very long time. What greater statement could you possibly make with your own death?" He also argues that the 'Suicide Exchange' will provide the suicidal with a last chance to travel and make new friends. "These people are generally sad bastards, at least this way they get a final few months of relative happiness," he says. "All of our clients will inevitably insist that the would be suicide bombers attend training camps in Afghanistan or the Middle East, where they'll get to mix with like-minded fanatics. Some of the friendships they make there will be lifelong." Trapwitt also believes that the 'Suicide Exchange' will help the relatives of the suicides with their grieving process. "Hell, all these suicide bombers record video messages where they explain themselves," he declares. "Surely that's better than some hastily scribbled suicide note?"