More Overheard Conversations

Another train journey and another fragment of conversation from fellow passengers:

Bloke in baseball cap: "I've heard that the Queen Mother didn't really die in 2002 -apparently she only kicked the bucket last year in an old people's home in Hove, and was buried in a pauper's grave."

Geezer in trilby "That's just bollocks, innit? Why did they say she was dead and have that state funeral and everything if she wasn't brown bread, eh?"

Bloke in baseball cap: "Apparently she was tired of being waited on hand and foot, running up massive overdrafts and having her every trivial whim accommodated, so she faked her own death. She wanted to spend her last days living like an ordinary person, didn't she?"

Man picking his nose: "Well, my mate reckons he saw her living as a bag lady near Waterloo station in London, sleeping in a cardboard box and swigging meths with the other winos. He said the big floppy hat she was wearing and the crown wrapped in Tesco carrier bag in the trolley she was pushing were dead giveaways. When he approached her, she launched into a tirade of abuse at him before demanding money for a "cup of tea". When he last saw her, she was snogging some hairy old tramp with matted snot and dog crap in his beard."

Train guard: "Oi, stop disrespecting the Queen's mum! She was a top lady! Don't you know she single-handedly saved Britain from Hitler in World War Two? And she had affairs with Errol Flynn, Frank Sinatra and Jimi Hendrix and probably had Princess Diana assassinated. I know towards the end, she smelled of wee, but that's no reason to take the piss. Now, tickets please."

At which point it turned out none of them had valid tickets and a huge row ensued, killing the conversation.