A Man of Letters

Buckingham Palace has strenuously denied newspaper claims that Prince Charles has consistently attempted to influence government policy over the past fifteen years - particularly with regard to conservation issues - by bombarding Ministers with letters. "It is completely untrue that His Majesty has, at any time, tried to persuade ministers to give him planning permission to build a huge wicker man near his 'model' village in Dorset," declared a spokesperson. The Palace has also denied that any of the letters recent press reports have claimed the Prince Charles sent to government Ministers have in any way been obscene or abusive. “They merely concerned government policies which impacted on certain areas of concern to the Prince, such as hunting and agriculture,” said a spokesman, who also denied that the Prince had propositioned former Education minister Estelle Morris in one letter, inviting her to “blow my hunting horn” and fondle his hard hat.

None of the letters had apparently accused former Prime Minister Tony Blair of being a “snide little git”, or described former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott as a “hypocritical fat bastard so grossly overweight he probably hasn’t seen his penis in over ten years, let alone been able to have a wank”. The spokesperson added that it was also completely untrue that the Prince had been responsible for sending several packages containing human excrement to Number Ten Downing Street since Gordon Brown took office. "He has the utmost respect for Mr Brown," they claimed. "He particularly admires the gardening work he did at Balmoral." The spokesperson conceded that the Prince might be confusing the current Prime Minister with his Great Great Grandmother's Scottish retainer John Brown. "It's an easy mistake to make," they said. "They're both Scottish and from the lower classes."