Pig Brother

Swine Flu is in imminent danger of slipping out of the headlines. OK, I know that there were a load more UK cases confirmed today, along with a few school closures, but let's face it, these were only deemed newsworthy because it was a slow Bank Holiday Monday. What it needs is something more dramatic - a few fatalities in the UK would help. The fact that its symptoms are pretty tame doesn't help either - it's just like normal flu, whereas to be a truly frightening pandemic it should make its victims foam at the mouth, shit blood and burst out in huge weeping pustules. What's clear is that Swine Flu needs to engage some good PR if it wants to stay in the news - perhaps it should engage Max Clifford. Ideally, what's needed is a series of Swine Flu-related publicity stunts in order to keep the disease in the public eye. Maybe one of the newspapers could be persuaded to run an anti-Mexican campaign - on the basis that the disease originated there - warning people not to approach any Mexicans, particularly if they are sneezing or coughing, for fear of contracting Swine Flu. They could have a handy Mexican-recognition guide, advising readers to be on the look out for people wearing ponchos or sombreros or sporting long droopy moustaches.

With luck, the public will be whipped up into such an anti-Mexican fervour that mobs will be attacking Tex-Mex restaurants all over the country, driving Mexicans in the UK underground. In which case The Sun could run a campaign: 'Shop a Mexican and Win a Ford Mondeo'. As well as helping fight the spread of Swine Flu, such an initiative would also help stimulate the car industry. But perhaps the best publicity gimmick for Swine Flu would be to get it onto a reality TV show - 'Pig Brother', maybe. One of the contestants could be infected with the virus and the others have to work out who it is and nominate them for eviction before everyone else is infected. The TV company could up the ante by increasing the temperature in the 'Pig Brother' house so as to better incubate the virus. The participants could be forced to perform tasks - if they succeed they're given the choice: food, Tamiflu or cider? Every time tension and viewing figures flagged they could introduce a wild and possible infected herd of pigs into the house to terrorise the occupants. Something like that would be bound to keep Swine Flu at the top of the news agenda. Indeed, it could whip up sufficient panic for the Daily Mail to start demanding the government introduce 'Swine Alert Sirens', to be sounded whenever the threat of infected pigs was imminent, so that people would be able to run for their hermetically sealed 'Swine Shelters'. It's either that or suffer the ignominy of sharing Bird Flu's fate in becoming yesterday's panic story. Trust me, there are plenty more promising potential pandemics waiting in the wings for their opportunity to crack the big time.