Friday Night Stalk Show...

With Jonathon Ross suspended for three months, just how is the BBC going to fill that hole left in the schedules by the demise of Friday Night With Jonathon Ross? I mean, last week they filled the hole with the film Speed, but hey, there are only two films in the Speed series, so what are they going to do after they've shown Speed 2, eh? That will still leave another eleven weeks to fill. Clearly, what they need is another chat show, preferably with a cheeky irreverent millionaire presenter. The question is - who's available? If they were really desperate they could go for Friday Night with Juande Ramos, in which the hapless former Spurs manager attempts to interview several uncomprehending guests in Spanish, aided and abetted by hilarious comedy sidekick Gus Poyet attempting to translate. Not only does Ramos have the same initials as Ross, he also has a speech impediment - in that he can't speak English - and, if we're to believe the press, he's a millionaire thanks to his severance settlement from Tottenham. Moreover, like Ross, he succeeded in offending a huge number of people with his offensive team selections and reprehensible tactics.

However, I feel that the BBC would be better advised to look to the world of entertainment for a replacement for Ross. But perhaps with a harder edge and less conventional approach. How about Keith Allen with an edgy new format where he confronts guests he clearly detests and spends fifteen minutes solidly abusing each of them. There's no doubt it would make a refreshing change from the usual celebrity love-ins, with the host blowing smoke up the guests' arses - guests who would only appear on condition that they would be able to plug their book/film/shoes/new range of condoms or whatever. Mind you, I can't help but feel that the Beeb should take this opportunity to completely rethink the whole concept of the chat show. Instead of inviting on guests and allowing them to veto potential questions and the like, they should instead pioneer a new format in which potential guests are hunted down by a non-celebrity host. They could spend he whole week following them and secretly filming them as they attempt to persuade them onto the show. If they refuse to appear, then they can simply show an edited digest of their week's celebrity stalking on the Friday night programme. I think it could be a winner, stripping away the glossy veneer of celebrity and instead snatching illicit footage of them on the toilet, scratching their arses and the like. Instead of putting these overpaid bastards on a pedestal, we'd finally have a programme that cut them down to size. Now, where's that e-mail address for Mark Thompson...