Nationalised Treasures

Following the nationalisation of the banks Northern Rock and Bradford and Bingley, the government has announced plans to take another public institution into public ownership. "In view the crisis of confidence surrounding her, we have decided to nationalise Amy Winehouse," Chancellor Alistair Darling told the House of Commons. "We cannot afford to allow an established performer like Miss Winehouse to collapse and go under - the economic effects would be catastrophic." The move follows increasing speculation in the popular press as to the singer's ability to continue performing in the face of her continuing drink and drug problems. The government's hand was apparently forced after reports that she was about to go into rehab surfaced. "The threat to Britain's alcoholic beverages industries was colossal," says a top City analyst. "With the current economic crisis and rising prices, sales are already down, the Treasury just couldn't afford to have one the country's main consumers taken out of the game! Think of the tax revenues they'd have lost!" In addition to losing Winehouse's personal alcohol consumption, ministers feared that without such a powerful role model, Britain's youth might also be discouraged from binge drinking.

The proposed nationalisation has come under fire from the opposition benches, with shadow chancellor George Osborne questioning why taxpayers should have to foot the bill for Winehouse's future inebriation. "Surely the drinks industry which, after all, must bear part of the blame for this situation, should be the ones to come up with a financial rescue package?" he asked Darling at Question Time. "This sets a dangerous precedent - every alcoholic and down and out will now be expecting to be nationalised and have their drinking subsidised by the State." However, the Treasury is adamant that a private rescue bid would only further weaken the already precarious finances of the alcohol industry. "We are confident that this will only be a temporary measure," replied Darling. "Once confidence in Miss Winehouse's drinking abilities has been restored, we are hoping to invite private bids for her." He also denied that there were any plans to nationalise Pete Docherty, although he wouldn't rule out the possibility of taking other entertainers into public ownership. "Our failure to nationalise Oliver Reed in the 1970s caused grievous harm to this country," he reminded MPs. "His premature death deprived us of a fine role model for young hell raisers and binge drinkers."