Mistaken Identity

Those teletext headlines have been confusing me again. Most recently, 'Kinnear Appointed Newcastle Manager', conjured up visions of overweight comic actor Roy Kinnear huffing and puffing his way through training sessions. Until I remembered that he'd died at least ten years ago (probably more), and realised that they meant former Spurs defender Joe Kinnear - who isn't dead,but did once manage Nottingham Forest, which, these days, is pretty much the same thing. In a perverse sort of way the appointment makes sense - having been turned down by Terry Venables, it must have seemed logical to the Newcastle board to instead turn to his team mate from the 1967 FA Cup winning Tottenham squad.

The week before I'd been equally surprised to find that Radio One rap DJ Westwood was playing in the Ryder Cup. Still, I thought, I suppose golf is a suitably middle-class game for the son of a clergyman to be playing. Although I wasn't sure they'd appreciate all that 'running with the big dog' and 'strap it up before you slap it up' stuff 'in da club house'. Obviously, when I actually read the item, I realised they were referring to Lee Westwood, rather than Tim Westwood. Perhaps the biggest surprise was seeing the headline 'Allen takes over at Cheltenham FC.' As far as I knew, Lily Allen was a Fulham supporter. At least they'll look more fashionable with her in charge, (although I'm not sure the football-boots-with ball-gowns look would be entirely practical on the football pitch), I mused, before realising my mistake - they obviously meant her father Keith. Now, he'd be the kind of football manager to motivate under-performing players - they'd be scared to go back to the dressing room if they were trailing at half-time, for fear of being horribly abused and possibly murdered. Imagine my disappointment when I found out it was former Leicester and MK Dons boss Martin Allen who'd been appointed. I liked my idea better.