Gay Nazis Must Die?

Leading conspiracy theorist Sam Nodger has astounded the world with his latest claims. The 38 year old Mancunian has recently asserted that leading Nazis escaped from the Third Reich in 1945 in U-Boats and established a fascist base at the South Pole. “It is well known that a series of tunnels runs beneath the Antarctic continent and lead to the hollow interior of the Earth”, he states. According to Nodger these Antarctic dwelling National Socialists are no ordinary Nazis, instead being members of the little-known Gay Nazi League. Despite the Nazi regime’s well documented antipathy toward homosexuals (who were made to wear pink triangles and sent to concentration camps), Nodger claims that many German gays were attracted to the elaborate uniforms with their black leather trimmings and jack boots. “This attraction is seen to this day”, he says. “The traditional gay uniform of black leather and peaked caps is clearly derived from SS uniforms - although I doubt those handlebar moustaches would have been tolerated by Himmler.” He also believes that there is a strong homoerotic undercurrent in present-day neo-Nazi groups. “All that macho posturing and head-shaving - its obviously indicative of men who are insecure about their own sexuality and are trying to overcompensate. Either that, or their dicks are too small.”

Anti-gay feeling within the Nazi armed forces meant that the gay Nazis had to be careful to outwardly conform to the norms of appearance and behaviour. “The League set up secret training camps where they taught new recruits to goose step rather than mince”, Nodger told us. Moustaches, goatee beards and any other form of gay affectation were also suppressed - any indication of non-conformity could prove fatal in the German armed forces. This was true even before the Nazi era and was exploited by the British Army during the First World War. In 1916 famed war hairdresser Vidal Sassoon was sent behind enemy lines and permed the hair of several German units while they slept. The sudden appearance of the “Ypres Bubble Cut” convinced the German High Command that, due to the pressure of trench warfare, their men were turning gay. Consequently, three front-line infantry regiments were shot and another five disbanded.

The Gay Nazi League included several high ranking Nazi officials. Most prominent amongst these was Luftwaffe chief Herman Goering. Goering was well known for his predilection for wearing women’s clothes whilst off-duty, although he claimed this was merely because he felt them more comfortable for larger men like himself. “They allow you more room to move about and are less restrictive”, he reputedly told Rommel. His liking for women’s clothes dated back to at least the First World War, when, it is claimed, he regularly wore women’s underwear under his uniform whilst flying his Fokker Triplane. Indeed, it has been alleged that after he shot down an Allied aircraft for the first time he whipped off his bra and waved it above his head in a victory celebration.

It has also been rumoured that he and his commanding officer Manfred von Richtofen were lovers and that Richtofen’s nickname the Red Baron derived from the colour of his box, rather than his aircraft. Some historians have claimed that Hitler’s deputy Rudolf Hesse flew to Britain in 1941 not to meet with leading British fascists (including George Formby and Johnny Morris), as is widely believed, but to escape the advances of Admiral Donitz, another leading gay Nazi. Several Nazi generals, including Model, Bottenhagen and von Donger (the hero of Leningrad), were also members of the League and were involved in the 1944 conspiracy to seduce Hitler and induct him into the organisation. However, the advances of a whip-wielding and fishnet stocking-clad Bottenhagen were resisted by the Fuhrer and the conspirators all executed.