The Hand of Love

Ah, Valentine's Day. That time of year when those of us who are single are made to feel like complete inadequates. The relentless day long emphasis on love and romance seems designed to make you feel like a social pariah. Particularly as you trudge wearily home to your microwaved meal for one and lonely night in front of the TV, glancing at all those couples sat in restaurants and the like, convinced that they're all secretly laughing at you. But little do they know that we sad singles also have our own private rituals for this day. For some, these involve a romantic evening in with their inflatable friend. Others amongst us, however, are somewhat more adventurous, setting up a candle lit table in our dining rooms, with a snatched photograph of the latest object of our unrequited love as the centerpiece of an elaborate heart-shaped arrangement of red roses, which we proceed to whack off over. Just to make it that little bit more romantic, I usually tie a red ribbon in a bow around my cock.

Talking of masturbation (which I do, almost as frequently as I commit the act, being a sad single bastard), I caught part of one of those highbrow documentaries about porn the other day - you know the sort, pretending to be a serious study of a neglected 'art form' as an excuse to show some full on shagging - which featured some 'sexologist' claiming that masturbation was now considered the purest form of sexual activity. Two thoughts crossed my mind upon hearing this. Firstly, since when have they awarded degrees in 'sexology' and can I convert my politics degree? Secondly, I thought, bloody hell, I'm a sex God in the privacy of my own home! After all these years my technique must have been honed to perfection! Getting back to the point, the reason wanking is now so highly regarded in the world of 'sexology' (or, as I like to call it, smut), is that it is entirely about the individual - there is no need to worry about satisfying your partner, or any of that inconvenient stuff. As there is only yourself to please, and the fantasy accompanying the whacking off is entirely yours, masturbation is - in theory- more likely to result in an entirely satisfying experience than other forms of sex. All of which means, surely, that is us single sad gits who are actually enjoying the best sex lives. Hah! Stick that up your red roses!