Nothing Left to Give

I'm feeling extremely tired today.  Tired is probably the wrong word.  Weary would be more accurate.  It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I received some very bad news about a friend and former colleague yesterday and it is finally beginning to sink in.  But, at least in part, it has to do with the fact that I'm only a couple of days away from taking a very long break from my job, the details of which I can't go into until all the details are finalised, but, nonetheless, from Friday I'm on paid leave for a few weeks, regardless.  I know it is now only a matter of days, but it just can't come quickly enough.  It has become ever clearer to me over the past couple of weeks, as management have tried to force us back onto the streets to resume working 'as normal', despite the steadily rising rates of Covid infection, that I really have nothing left to give the job.  I really am completely played out, I can raise neither energy, enthusiasm or even a sense of duty to carry me through the days.  I just want to move on now, to whatever the future holds.  If nothing else, the news about my friend and news of the shattered health of another former colleague tells me that the casualty rate is getting too high and, selfishly, I don't want to be the next casualty.  After all, I've already had one close call health-wise, which, even a couple of years down the line, still affects me.

So, over the next few weeks I'm going to try to put together a summer break as best I can within the current limitations imposed by the ongoing pandemic.  Whether I'll be able to get to the coast, or be frustrated by hordes of idiots flooding there from hundreds of miles away, remains to be seen.  I tend to favour the smaller beaches generally known only to those of us more local and who are habitual visitors.  It's been a strange year, so far and the summer looks to be no different, but we have to make the best of the circumstances.  Besides, the very strangeness of this year has helped me make some important decisions about my life - to the extent that I'm finally going to try a change of direction.  Still, even if the beach doesn't work out this summer, I'll still have time to catch up with more schlock movies (courtesy of my Roku box).  I already have a backlog of stuff to write about here, including a couple of UK set seventies zombie movies, (one starring the great Paul Naschy in multiple roles), not to mention a slew of Italian cannibal films, (of which I have several more to watch).  Then there are all those Hong Kong martial arts films out there - a genre I've barely scratched the surface of, (some of them are pretty wild - I saw one the other day called The Nine Demons, where various of the protagonists dressed like seventies glam rockers, deals were made with the devil, everybody had been given names like 'Gary', 'Joey' and 'Roland' for the English dub. and the titular demons manifested variously as flying skulls, small children and hot babes).  So, I might make something out of this summer yet.  I might have nothing left to give work, but I still have plenty to give elsewhere.