Statue Shaggers

Are all those Black Lives Matter protestors really the main threat facing our statues and monuments these days?  I only ask because the sort of outrage summoned up by their opponents in condemnation of the tearing down of statues just seems to be out of all proportion.  They're inanimate objects, for God's sake - why get so worked up about it?  All that anger over violence to chunks of stone and/or metal - these people act as if a real, flesh and blood, individual had been molested.  Then there's the way they rally to protect these statues - it all feels very proprietorial, as if they feel some kind of ownership over them.  Like a possessive husband, perhaps?  Because I really can't help but feel that there is something unhealthy about this statue obsession.  Could it be that that their interest in these statues isn't driven by civic duty, or a passion for the ideals they represent or even respect for the historical figures they depict, but rather by sexual desire?  I mean, it isn't unheard of for people to develop sexual fixations on inanimate objects - every so often you hear of someone 'marrying' a building or a bridge.  Feeling sexual desire for a statue in the image of human being would actually seem more understandable.

I'm beginning to suspect that the toppling of statues by supposed protestors is actually a cover for the nefarious activities of theses statue shaggers.  I mean, what happens to those statues after they are toppled?  I know that we're told that they get taken to museums for 'safe keeping', but I wouldn't be at all surprised if some, at least, were to turn up in the beds of these right-wing statue fetishists.  It all makes sense - a bunch of them could black up and pretend to be BLM activists, topple a statue, then spirit away, leaving the real BLM to take the blame.  Perhaps they whisk them away for 'stone orgies', where, in a sexual frenzy, they grope, lick and caress the purloined statue. Maybe they have  fetish parties, where they dress the statue up in women's underwear.  But perhaps they really do just take them to bed in order to shag them.  One could speculate that the thrill comes from imagining that they are having sex with the real subject of the statue, or could it be the firmness and coldness of the stone effigy that creates the turn on, (rather akin to necrophilia)?  Then again, it could be the allure of having a compliant lover that never resists or complains.  Who knows what goes through the minds of these depraved statue shaggers?  All I know is that they must be stopped - we need to start the anti-statue shagger campaign now: Stone Lives Matter!