Thursday, February 13, 2020

The Shrouded Singer

I'll be quite frank, I've never watched The Masked Singer on ITV.  I've never had any desire to watch  The Masked Singer.  But, as with all contemporary pop culture phenomena, I can't help but be aware of the programme and what is happening on it.  Consequently, I know who has been unmasked (most of them are, at best, C-list celebrities), not to mention the sorts of wild guesses as to the contestants' identities on the part of the judges - including Jonathon Ross's wild speculation that Natalie Cole could be under one of the masks.  Despite the fact that she has been dead for several years.  But why not?  In my opinion the format would be greatly improved if the mystery performers were all deceased celebrities, revived by necromancy.  The Shrouded Singer, perhaps?  It would widen the field of possibilities and make it easier o get proper A-listers as contestants.  Just imagine an elephant, say, being unmasked as Elvis Presley, or a natterjack toad as John Lennon.  In fact, if you revived them as zombies, then you wouldn't need the masks, as their mouldering reanimated corpses would be in such an advanced state of decomposition that they would be virtually unrecognisable.  The challenge would be to guess who they were from their singing - or more likely, gurgling - voices before they completely disintegrate.  Can you spot which tottering skeleton is Frank Sinatra before his jaw drops off?

Another variation might be where celebrity contestants have to assemble a performer from the best bits of deceased singers that they can grave rob.  It could all culminate in a sing-off between the rival Frankenstein monster-style creations.  Which will prove more entertaining - something vaguely male cobbled together from the head of Jim Morrison, the body of Jimi Hendrix, the arms of George Harrison and the legs of Roy Castle, or an androgynous abomination combining the head of Tiny Tim, the chest of Janis Joplin, Elvis' hips and the legs of Cyd Charisse?  Actually, grave robbing for entertainment could make for great TV.  I've often pondered on a supernatural version of Shed and Buried: Dead and Buried.  Instead of having, as per the original, a pair of middle aged men rummaging through sheds and barns in search of mechanical treasures they can restore, the new version could have a pair of middle aged men rummaging through graveyards in search of corpses they can revive.  Not only would there be the drama of seeing if they can actually get any of these musty piles of bones up and running again, but also the ever present risk that any one of these revived corpses could turn homicidal and try to strange the resurrectionists.  It would be fantastic TV to see them chased around a fog bound cemetery by a living corpse, before they manage to turn the tables and beat it back to death with a shovel.  It would all be good unwholesome fun for all the family.

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