Monday, January 27, 2020

Seven Sided Suppository

Apparently, Sir Philip Pullman thinks that the new fifty pence piece, minted to 'celebrate' Brexit should be boycotted because it is grammatically incorrect, leaving out an 'Oxford comma', (although other experts are of the opinion that the comma is optional).  Now, much as I respect Sir Philip, I have to say that I disagree with him here - not because I dispute his understanding of English grammar, but because I feel that there are more fundamental reasons to boycott this coin.  mainly that it is a complete affront to decency, clearly intended to stoke the divisions already caused by Brexit.  It is effectively trying to rub the noses of those of us who voted Remain in our defeat.  Indeed, the whole idea of  'celebrating' Brexit after such a divisive campaign, characterised by lies, threats, bullying, bigotry and threats, is utterly crass.  Former Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell has stated that he will refuse to accept these coins in change, requesting two twenty pence pieces and a ten pence instead.  I think that he's on the right lines here, but doesn't go far enough.

I don't think that we should just be refusing to accept these coins - we should be telling anyone tendering them to shove them up their arses.  Or, even better, that they should take these benighted fifty pence pieces back to the person responsible for them - Chancellor of the Exchequer Sajid Javid - and shove them up his arse.  He'd pretty soon finding himself suffering the kind of rectal blockage from these seven sided suppositories that no laxative would be likely to remove easily.  Ideally of course, we'd like to shove them up Boris Johnson's arse, but his lardy backside is so vast that not enough of these fifty pence pieces could be minted to fill it.  Besides, as a public school boy, he'd probably enjoy the experience- it would take him back to the dorms at Eton where, after lights out, they played their version of 'shove ha'penny', where they bet on how many gold sovereigns could be shoved up someone's arse.  Getting back to Sajid Javid's fifty pence piece blocked arse, we could explan to him how this a warning against pursuing a 'no deal' Brexit - if this blockage is painful and inconvenient, just imagine what the one's at major ports would be like if no agreement on customs checks is agreed with the EU.

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