Thursday, November 07, 2019

A Fine Mess

I'm sure that most people would agree that the laws which now force dog owners to clear up their dogs' shit after them when in public is a good thing.  Certainly, it has meant far fewer plies of steaming dog shit on our streets.  No longer does one risk inadvertently stepping in the stuff, not realising before you go back to your house and end up treading it into your carpet.  Even if you did realise you had trodden in it, there was nothing worse than trying to get the bloody stuff off of your shoes.  But there is a downside to this lack of canine crap on our streets - it means that there's never a convenient lump of shit about when you want to smear some over some fat bastard's car.  Which is precisely the situation I found myself in today.  It was, as ever, all about parking.  The fat bastard in question lives on my street and he and his wife have God alone knows how many cars with which they clog up the resident's parking bays.  Now, I don't have a permit to parking these bays - you can never get a space there.  Instead, I pay considerably more for a permit to park in the permit holders' section of the car park opposite.  Meaning that I always get a space. In fact, I have a particular space I leave my car in overnight - it provides a degree of protection, being a corner space with walls on two sides of the vehicle and is just far enough away from the trees they have at that end of the car park to avoid getting bird shit all over it.  As I say, it has become my regular space - by the time I finish work the car park is mostly empty.

Unfortunately, various of those using the residents' parking on the street treat the car park as an overflow when it is full of the fat bastard's cars.  Actually, it is far bastard himself who is the worst culprit.  Despite knowing that he has no right to park there, as his permit doesn't cover it, he puts his car there overnight, relying on the fact that the parking wardens are unlikely to patrol there after six in the evening or before eight in the morning.  Of late, he has developed a penchant for parking in my space, despite knowing that I park there overnight.  Indeed, yesterday evening I arrived in the car park to find his car in my space and him waddling away as fast as he could, to avoid me before I could get out of my car and slap the fat pig's face so hard the apple would have fallen out of his mouth.  Consequently, I was forced to park in the next space, closer to the tree.  So, this morning, when I went to get into my car, guess what?  That's right, some bird had shit all down the driver's side,  To be precise, it had succeeded in covering the whole area between the front and rear doors.  Being in a hurry, I didn't have time to clear it off and, inevitably, I ended up with bird shit smeared all down the right sleeve of my coat when I got out of the car.  Now, I have no idea what kind of bird could possibly have deposited that much shit - I suspect one of the larger pterodactyls, possibly a pteranodon - but it got everywhere.

So, I was left brooding as to how I could get some kind of redress against fat bastard.  Obviously, in an ideal world, I'd get a big bird to shit all over his car - now back in the residents' parking - but with no trees near his vehicle, that seemed unlikely.  Then it occurred to me - get some dog shit and smear all over his car doors - especially the handles - and see how he liked that.   But, of course, thanks to well meaning public health legislation, there was no dog shit handy anywhere on the street.  Now, as I saw it, I had two options: either find another source of dog shit, or find an alternative.  As far as the former was concerned, I figured that I could wander round the neighbourhood until I found a dog walker carrying a plastic bag full of dog crap and try to buy it off of them.  But that might seem a little weird and I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was some sort of pervert.   With regard to the latter option, I could, conceivably, have used my own crap to smear his car and this idea had some appeal.  It would have made it so personal.  On the other hand, there is always the risk of police involvement, DNA tests and tracing it back to me.  So, for the time being, we're at an impasse with regard to fat bastard and his car.  But I haven't forgotten.  I'll get the bastard yet.



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