Self Revelations

You ever have one of those moments when you read something or someone says something and you think: that describes me?  I've had this twice in recent weeks.  The first time was when discussing with a colleague from another organisation someone we'd been dealing with work-wise who clearly had a problem with alcohol.  My colleague characterised this person's life as effectively having stopped at some point, probably in reaction to some kind of adverse circumstance, with the crutch of alcohol replacing any attempts to move their life forward, or even perform the most basic of tasks.  Now, I'm not an alcoholic (if anything, my alcohol consumption had been in decline over the past few years), but the description of life effectively stopping could equally be applied to the ennui which gripped me for months, which I described in a recent post.  All my motivation to carry out even routine tasks seemed to evaporate.  On reflection, I realised that I could trace the onset of this ennui not to a trauma as such, but an emotional set back I'd suffered (which I'm not going to go into here).  The result was this retreat from life (just not accompanied by a dependency on alcohol). 

The second time I experienced this sort of 'revelation' was when I was reading a recent newspaper article about people who described themselves as 'aromantics'.  Basically, they are individuals who don't develop what would ordinarily be described as 'romantic' feelings for others.  They might feel friendship or companionship with partners and others close to them, but these do not develop into romatic love.  They don't seek to fall in love with a partner for life.  It isn't that they don't have relationships, just that they aren't based upon romantic attachments.  Again, I realised that this was a pretty good description of my relationship history.  In truth, I've never really had any desire for a permanent commitment.  I'm not sure I've ever felt that strongly about anyone. Sure, there have been women I've liked, really liked.  There have been women I've felt very strong feelings for, but beyond the obvious physical desire, what I've felt is friendship. Sometimes a very deep and profound friendship.  In retrospect, I don't think I've felt what would be termed 'romantic love'.  Which isn't to say that there haven't been women I've loved, but not romantically. 

A while ago I thought that I'd had an epiphany of sorts while watching Love Actually during one of its 'rare' non-Christmas showings on ITV 2.  It was the sub plot involving Andrew Lincoln being unable to express his feelings to Keira Knightly (who had married his best friend), so he ends up doing it via a series of cue cards he holds up while pretending to be a carol singer.  (Right now, anyone reading this who hasn't seen the film is going to convinced that I'm making this up).  Anyway, reflecting on my history with a woman I'd liked, but who had ended up with someone else, I decided that, like Lincoln's character, it had been my inability to communicate my true feelings to her which had resulted in my failing to establish a romantic relationship with her.  (Just to reassure you, I didn't go out and write these feelings on cards and hold them up outside her living room widow).   Therefore, I thought, it was all my fault, my emotional cowardice meant that I didn't deserve her love.  But now, in the context of reading the article about the 'aromantics', I realise that the reason I could never express these feelings was because, in truth, I didn't feel them.  I liked her, for sure, but not romantically.  She wasn't 'the one', because, deep down, I know that there isn't someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Other than myself, obviously.  All of which made me feel a lot better about myself.