Monday, February 06, 2017

Alternative Facts

So, first it was 'fake news', now it's 'alternative facts'.  I have to say, this 'alternative facts' business that the Trump camp has come up with to explain the use of lies and completely made up stuff to support their policies, is bloody brilliant.  I mean, you can say whatever you like about anyone or anything now and when challenged as o the veracity of your statements, you can just say, well, they are alternative facts.  In the spirit of this new age in which we are living, I thought that today I'd present some alternative facts for the post truth era.

Trump's chief strategist, Steve Bannon, is actually a down and out, wearing piss-stained trousers and living in a cardboard box in the alleyway behind a New York delicatessen.  Spending his days in an alcoholic haze, he took to sheltering in public libraries for warmth, where his booze-fuelled, demented racist rantings on various online message boards - accessed via the public access internet terminals in the libraries - inspired the foundation of 'Breitbart News'.  Since his elevation to a top position in the Trump administration, (Trump has hailed Bannon's rantings as 'pure genius'), he has moved his cardboard box to Washington DC.  he still insists on wearing his piss-stained trousers and his main contribution to meetings is farting loudly in between drinking meths and lighter fluid.

Remember, these are merely alternative facts about Steve Bannon which might, or might not, exist in the real world.

Former UKIP leader and Trump confidant Nigel Farage dresses as Hitler during trysts with his 'lodger', a French woman who foubded a notorious right wing think tank accused of misusing EU funds, in order to fulfil her fantasies of being 'occupied' by a fascist dictator, and his fantasies of putting Europe in its place by 'subjugating' France.   Remember, none of this might have happened - these are just some alternative facts about Farage that I thought I'd share. 

Finally, an alternative fact about President Trump: he is allowed to secretly visit jails, where officials allow him to fatally strangle inmates with his bare hands.  The victims are always hobos with no families or friends, who have been jailed for vagrancy.  Their bodies are disposed of in the prisons' heating furnaces.  You know, I enjoyed that alternative fact about Trump so much thar I'm going tp give you another one:  he once had a former contestant on The Apprentice who insulted him drowned in a vat of Russian prostitutes' urine. The body was later dumped in a cheap hotel room in Ohio, where it was assumed that the victim had died in a bizarre sexual mishap.  Never happened?  No, just an alternative fact.

More alternative facts soon.  Maybe.

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