Saturday, October 22, 2016

Send in the Clowns

Of late the Crapchester Chronicle, (or rather it's website, as I don't buy the actual newspaper itself, on the grounds that it just encourages them), has been obsessed by two types of story: people 'falling' off of bridges and the 'Scary Clown' craze.  If we're to believe the local rag, Crapchester has become the epicentre of both types of phenomena.  To be fair, there has been a spate of people falling off of bridges and on to roads.  OK, three such incidents have occurred in a cpouple of weeks.  The use of the term 'falling' implies an accident, but in one case the unfortunate victim was actually knocked off of road bridge by a car and in the other two cases, well, the pedestrian bridges concerned have railings too high to accidentally fall over.  You'd have to actually climb over them to have any chance of 'falling'.  As for the clown thing, all of the reports of local sightings in the paper are suitably vague - all the usual stuff of how someone might have seen somebody who might have been in a clown costume loitering near a school.  Well, half a mile from a school. 

Now, I've said it before and I'll reiterate it here: clowns are not scary.  I really don't understand all this bollocks about people being terrorised by the red nosed bastards.  I especially don't buy any of these stories about people being chased by these clowns - it's quite obvious that clowns can't possibly run in those big shoes they wear.  Moreover, I really don't know what people think these clowns might do to them if they catch them.  Shove a custard pie in their face?  Throw a bucket of water over them?  Force them into a tiny car which the doors fall off of?  Whatever it is, it won't be funny.  Because that's the real problem with clowns - they just aren't bloody funny.  Even when they are meant to be.  They are just tedious - it's always the same old unfunny shit: flowers that squirt water, kicking each other up the arse and that business with a plank.  Maybe that's why they are out on the streets trying to scare people - they've realised that they aren't funny and have to try a different tack.  Anyway, to return to the original point: it can surely only be a matter of time before the Crapchester Chronicle runs a story involving someone falling from a bridge whilst being chased by a clown.  Or, even better, thrown from a bridge by a clown.  Either eventuality would provide an ideal Halloween lead story.

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