Thursday, August 04, 2016

Fart Attack

Police have confirmed that the fart which yesterday caused chaos in a crowded hotel lift in central London was not a terror fart.  Despite the incident initially being treated as a suspected terror attack, the authorities now believe that the farter wasn't politically motivated and wasn't connected to any terror groups.  "We are now sure that the fart wasn't planned, but rather spontaneous, the result of gastric illness rather than radicalism," a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police told a press conference this afternoon.  "Consequently, the farter has been released without charge.  Although he is currently under medical observation in case of further dangerous emissions."  The fart, so loud that it could be heard half a mile a way and so powerful that it shook windows in adjoining streets, erupted at approximately nine o'clock yesterday evening, leaving the occupants of the lift gasping for breath.  Rescuers described those afflicted as 'highly distressed', with many suffering serious respiratory problems and stinging eyes, with several being taken to hospital. "Unfortunately, one elderly lady later passed away," the police spokesperson confirmed.  "Obviously, until a post-mortem has been carried out, we can't say for sure whether her death was directly the result of the noxious fumes released from the farter's arse." Unconfirmed reports claim that the victim had turned green before expiring.

The sheer ferocity of the fart had resulted in initial reports that it was a terror fart, released by a jihadist, resulting the police deploying specialist bum sniffing dogs in the area, in case there other terrorists planning to break wind in the vicinity.  "Based on its explosive power, the fact that the farter had been described as being 'olive skinned' and reports of the fart's toxicity, led us to believe that it might have been one of those evil-smelling Arab farts," the police spokesperson told the press.  "The sort which are fueled by dates and frequently disrupt bazaars in the Middle East, usually when a westerner is trying to haggle over the price of a rug, or something.  Anyway, we found it hard to believe that any westerner could have unleashed something that noxious"  The police have been condemned in some quarters for what has been perceived as a massive overreaction to someone breaking wind in public.   "Between them, the police, the government and the press have created such an atmosphere of fear, that now even a fart can trigger a huge anti-terror operation," a spokesperson for the human rights watchdog Liberty told the BBC.  "I wouldn't be surprised if we see the government trying to introduce legislation making it a criminal offence to fart in public as a result of this fiasco."



Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home