Thursday, March 31, 2016

Not a Rant

It's no good, nothing has annoyed me enough this week to trigger a rant.  So, I'll just have to busk it as far as this post is concerned.  In fact, nothing particularly exciting at all has happened this week.  Unless you count my fixing of the washing machine last night as exciting.  I say 'fixing', it was really just a matter of clearing a blockage from the filter, which had been causing dirty water to back up into the drum, leaving clothes filthier after a wash than they had been before.  The mystery is where the offending material causing the blockage originated from.  It turned out to be a large piece of foam rubber which, I first thought, had come from a bath mat which had partially disintegrated in the wash last Friday, but upon examining the offending mat, I found that it didn't contain any such material.  So where did it come from?  Another mystery for Arthur C Clarke, I think.  If he wasn't dead, that is - perhaps the Reverend Lionel Fanthorpe, of Fortean TV fame, would like to look into it instead?

Another perplexing question is whether the Crapchester Omnibus Company employs a single, spectacularly bad, bus driver, who I always seem to get stuck behind, or whether all of their drivers are shit?  I swear that bus drivers are getting worse around here.  Yesterday, for instance, I found myself behind a bus which had inexplicably strayed into some narrow country lanes and whose driver seemed determined to hog the road by driving smack bang in the middle of it.  Which meant that every time it met a vehicle coming the other way, everything ground to a halt as, inevitably, the bus driver wouldn't back up or pull over (despite there being ample room for them to do so), so the oncoming driver would have to find somewhere to back up into, to allow the bus to pass.  This isn't the first time this has happened, but quite why any bus is on those roads is a mystery - they are not part of any bus route and there certainly aren't any bus stops on them.  But that is one of the eternal mysteries of the Crapchester Omnibus Company - whether it actually has any fixed routes, as its buses keep turning up on the most remote of roads, apparently just trundling around aimlessly.

Changing track completely, I seem to be losing my sense of humour as I get older.  Either that, or other people are getting ever more infantile in their senses of humour.  How else can one explain the apparent popularity of Keith Lemon?  I mean, where's the joke?  I just don't get why the character is meant to be funny.  I've tried watching Celebrity Juice, but he only seems to have two 'jokes': calling Holly Willoughby 'Holly Willoboobies' (because she's got big knockers, which, as every schoolboy knows, are hilarious), and keep referring to Fearne Cotton as a man, (because she's actually a woman and calling her a man is, like, hilarious).  Otherwise, he's just an irritating twat.  Honestly, Lee Francis has created and played far wittier and funnier characters than this, but these days seems to want to be exclusively known as an unfunny knob end.  I can only assume it pays very well. 

But even less funny than Keith Lemon was that whole 'Boaty McBoatface' nonsense on Twitter - I failed to see why proposing to call a ship 'Boaty McBoatface' was funny.  Despite the media and the usual twitter twats lauding it as the height of wit, it wasn't.  Unless, of course, you find something a particularly dull fifth former would think funny is on a par with the witticisms of Oscar Wilde, that is.  Really, it's the sort of thing those sniggering 'lads' you find in pubs exchanging 'banter' would think clever.  Because, you know, it's a boat (except it isn't, it is a ship, there's a difference), so calling it 'Boaty' would be, like, hilarious, and calling it 'Boaty McBoatface' would be twice as hilarious because it has the word 'boat' in it twice.  Yeah.  Personally, I think that we should have a competition to find a new nickname for anyone who finds 'Boaty McBoatface' funny - my suggestion is 'Cunty McCuntface', which, I think, is worthy of the aforementioned Oscar Wilde in terms of wit.  In fact, I think I'm going to go and create a hashtag for it now...



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