Pleasuring Palace?

"It's a bloody outrage - I was invited there!  Her Maj loves a bit of rough on the side!" declares Archie Cronk, the man recently arrested whilst allegedly trying to break into Buckingham Palace, in an interview with The Shite.  "Obviously, I didn't have a written invite or a text, or anything, Her Majesty has to be discreet, hasn't she?  What happened was this Royal footman came knocking on my door over in Canning Town, and gave me the time of the meet!"  The 61 year old retired milkman claims that the Queen first took a fancy to him when her Daimler drove past him at speed whilst he was walking down Canning Town High Street.  "She'd been opening a new community centre, there," he wheezes.  "Our eyes definitely met as her car sped past, splashing me with water from a pot hole.  How she found out my name and address, I don't know, but she's the bloody Queen, isn't she?  She's got the whole of bloody GCHQ and MI5 at her disposal!"  Sceptics have questioned Cronk's story, querying why he was breaking into the palace - dressed in black and wearing a balaclava - if he had been invited by the monarch.  "It was role play, wasn't it?" he told the tabloid.  "Liz doesn't just like a bit of rough, she likes the sense of danger, as well.  She wanted me to pretend to be a burglar, come in through her bedroom window and ravish her.  Apparently it's a fetish which started when that bloke broke into Buck House back in the eighties!"

Although Cronk's claims have been dismissed by the police and royal family, top royal watcher Hugh Ropley-Tossington has pointed out the alarming number of men who have been caught supposedly breaking into Buckingham Palace in recent years.  "You'd think that the security there would be so tight that they wouldn't be able to get anywhere near the place, let alone get into the grounds," he muses.  "There have long been rumours about the Queen's insatiable sexual appetites, which are apparently remain unabated in old age.  I mean, just look at the decrepit state of Prince Philip, she's clearly sucked him dry!  Is it any wonder he sleeps in a separate room and is always being admitted to hospital?"  Ropley-Tossington even suspects that the controversial decision to open Buckingham Palace to the public was part of a devious plan by the monarch to try and slake her thirst for young male flesh.  "One family claimed that their 73 year old grandfather had gone missing for several hours during a tour of the palace," he explains.  "When he finally turned up, found by servants wandering the corridors usually barred to the public, he told them a wild story about being snatched by some wild woman, tied to a bed and subjected to an exhausting sexual ordeal.  Of course, the authorities said he was suffering from dementia and covered it all up!"  Police are now so worried that Her Majesty's sexual escapades will culminate in a scandal, they are challenging anyone they see in the palace grounds, sometimes with unfortunate results.  "That's what that Prince Andrew business was about," Ropley-Tossington confides.  "They saw him lurking around the shrubbery and jumped to the wrong conclusion!"  Meanwhile, Archie Cronk - who has two previous convictions for burglary - is due to appear before Southwark Magistrates Court, charged with breaking and entering, next month.