The Penis is Still Bad...

Continuing our coverage of this week's Tory Party conference, I'd like to return to their conference slogan, as discussed yesterday, 'The Gun is Good, The Penis is Bad'.  Whilst the reasons behind the 'Gun is Good' bit are obvious - they're all a bunch of right-wing homicidal bastards - as we established last time, the origins of the 'Penis is Bad' bit are less clear.  Expressed most recently through their anti-internet porn crusade, the Tories' hatred of their own sexuality is clearly rampant.  The more I think about it, the more I suspect that it is all down to their predominantly public school educations.  Just imagine the temptations they were subjected to as hormonal teenagers in a single sex environment - with their penises reacting to the 'wrong' stimuli.  Is it any wonder they feel that 'The Penis is Bad'?  It is clearly a literal statement.  They are disgusted by their own genitalias' inappropriate behaviour, so they attempt to punish their penises by depriving them of any sexual stimulation.

Perhaps it goes beyond this - perhaps the Tories actively 'punish' their bad genitalia.  Maybe they regularly have them caned, or stick needles into them, strangle them, even.  You know what those public school sorts are like.  To be fair, they probably don't spend all day wandering around in chain mail Y-fronts so as to chastise their bollocks on a permanent basis - they probably only slap their junk around when they feel it getting aroused, jamming their knobs into a mains socket at the first hint of an erection, possibly.  Whilst I have no actual evidence to back this speculation up, it would explain quite a bit if true.  I mean, is it any wonder that the Tories, to a man, are all such evil, mean spirited, bastards?  No wonder Ian Duncan Smith, for instance, is always trying to punish and stigmatise the poor when, every time he feels his old man so much as twitch over a picture of, say, One Direction, he has to nail his knackers to his desk?  That's enough to make anyone re-introduce the Poor Laws.