Not Unusual?

Veteran entertainer Tom Jones has been sensationally accused of decades of sexual abuse by a Glamorgan pensioner.  Sixty nine year old Grandmother Myfanwy Rogered has claimed that the sex bomb of the valleys has consistently abused her over a fifty year period, with his blatant displays of male sexuality during television appearances.  "Every time he was on the telly he did it," she told the South Wales Farmers' Gazette.  "Strutting around with his bloody shirt undone, showing off his hairy chest, wiggling his hips in those tight leather trousers and thrusting his groin at the camera - it was bloody filthy!  I was left feeling dirty and ashamed after every performance!"  At first, she alleges, the singer would only perform his outrageous antics when she was alone in the room watching TV.  "He never actually warned me not to tell anyone else what had gone on, but I know he meant it - what else could that conspiratorial wink he often gave to camera at the end of a performance have been about?" he told the newspaper.  "But then he started to get quite brazen - I remember once seeing him on a TV special in the 1970s when he was on this yacht singing, dressed only in a pair of speedos and a captain's hat!  I couldn't take my eyes off of his package, which he kept thrusting right at me, even though the rest of my family were in the room watching him with me!  I was so embarrassed, but luckily nobody else seemed to notice!"

In addition to these displays of disgusting and blatant sexuality, Rogered claims that Jones also used subliminal messages in his songs to force her to abuse herself whilst watching him on TV.  "I distinctly remember hearing him tell me stick my hand down my knickers whilst he performed 'It's Not Unusual'," she claims.  "It was the same with his other songs - during 'Delilah' he told me to stick my finger up my bum.  The worst was 'What's New Pussycat' - I can't begin to tell you the terrible things he made me do when he sang that.  The worst thing was that I was sat on the sofa with my parents at the time.  It was so embarrassing!"  She is adamant that during these episodes Tom Jones was definitely watching her and deriving enjoyment from her predicament.  "I could see him smirking," she says.  "Luckily, over the years he appeared less and less on TV, so he had fewer opportunities to abuse me and I was able to repress my terrible ordeal."  However, with Jones' return to regular prime time TV as a judge on The Voice, she found herself confronted with her past.  "I couldn't believe he was still at it, despite his advanced years," she claimed.  "The first time he swivelled round in that chair, he gave me such a leer I had an involuntary orgasm so powerful that I dropped my knitting!  It was horrible - all the past abuse came flooding back and I knew I had to speak out about it, before he uses his sexual power on other innocent viewers!"  Tom Jones and his management have so far declined to comment on the newspaper article, although a spokesperson for his fan club described the allegations as 'utter bollocks' with no foundation in reality.