Sleaze on the BBC (Almost)

Apparently I'm an expert on swearing. At least, that's what the BBC World Service seems to think. I received an e-mail, apparently from a World Service news producer, (I say 'apparently' because you can never be sure of anything or anyone online), inviting me to contact him with a view to participating in a discussion on the subject of swearing. It all had to do with a court case in which a judge ruled that the use of the 'fuck' in certain circumstances didn't constitute offensive language. Apparently the producer, clearly in a fit of panic, had searched the web in search of someone to defend swearing and had come upon one of my old editorials, The Art of Swearing. Now, whilst I might have waxed lyrical about the correct use of foul language in that article and, truth be told, I've been an enthusiastic user of certain Anglo Saxon terms in my time, (indeed, I was once even involved in an attempt to create a whole new sweary phrase), I don't really think that this makes me an expert. I can't help but feel that the BBC should have been approaching the swearing consultant for their own satirical TV serie The Thick of It, or perhaps a notably sweary performer like Ray Winstone, Keith Allen or Ian McShane, (the man who made 'fuck' sound positively Shakespearean in Deadwood). If only he'd found my story School for Swearing, he could have tried to contact Damien Ffook, swearing coach to the stars.

Once again, this demonstrates the perils of hasty and uncritical web 'research' - the editorial in question was clearly written as satire. Even if that wasn't obvious, the site's name and masthead make clear that we're not a serious factual publication. Whilst the idea of presenting myself as some kind of 'expert' to the entire world and, perhaps, getting to say 'fuck' over the hallowed airwaves of the BBC World Service, I obviously didn't take up the offer. For one thing, although the site might benefit from the publicity, I'm a actually a very private person and have good reasons for wanting to avoid the limelight. Moreover, certain aspects of my day job would mean that my employer would probably take a very dim view of my publicly commenting on judicial decisions. As that lousy job is my sole source of income, there's no way I'm going to risk jeopardizing it for thirty seconds of 'fame'. Most importantly, by the time I got the email, it was too late, anyway. It was sent whilst I was at work and the programme in question aired within an hour of its sending. Clearly, it doesn't occur to media-types that most websites are run by mere amateurs like me who have to work for a living and don't have fancy smart phones which receive emails! Still, I'm sure they did OK without me and found another 'swearing expert' for their item (if it aired at all, I can't be bothered to check). When all's said and done, it is nice to know that I can still fool even the BBC into believing I run a legitimate news source!