Osama's Greatest Hits

With the world's media reporting the death of Osama bin Laden, al Qeada has announced the release of a 'Greatest Hits' compilation album of his most popular rants, as a tribute. "They're all there - his calls for the assassination of Western leaders, his denunciation of the decadence of non-Islamic culture, the lot," explained a spokesperson for the terror organisation, via a tape delivered anonymously to Reuters. "As well as being available for download in mp3 format, 'Osama's Greatest Hits" will also be released both on CD, and in a special 'retro' music cassette format, to commemorate Osama's love of this obsolete recording format." The spokesman also promised fans of the fallen terror leader a compilation DVD of his greatest propaganda films and terror attacks. Extras will include optional expert commentary by George W Bush, Donald Rumsfield and Tony Blair, plus a selection of top video suicide notes by Osama-inspired suicide bombers from all over the world.

In the US, meanwhile, a furious row has erupted after it emerged that the Navy SEAL team that assassinated bin Laden should have been paid triple time as their raid occurred on a Bank Holiday. Consequently, the US is facing an immediate walk-out by special forces if the SEALS aren't paid the money they claim they are owed. "With the Rangers and Delta Force prepared to come out in sympathy, the whole country could be left defenceless, just we are facing another grave terror threat," a Pentagon spokesperson admitted. Indeed, defence chiefs are warning of the possibility of a wave of Osama tribute acts in the wake of his death. "They could become even more prevalent than Elvis impersonators - monopolising karaoke spots in bars to deliver their covers of Osama's rants before exploding," said the spokesperson. "In order to minimise the risk, we're banning his Greatest Hits album from the playlists of all major radio stations - hopefully, not knowing the words will hamper the bastards."