Monday, April 11, 2011

Daylight Robbery

"Quite frankly, we decided that this was the easiest way to recover the debt," Prime Minister David Cameron today told the Commons, as he defended the recent actions of his Chancellor and First Secretary of the Treasury. "Once the Icelandic people had voted against repaying the money their banks owe us, we felt that we had little choice but to send George and Danny round in person to get satisfaction for our own citizens." The Prime Minister's statement followed press reports of Chancellor George Osborne and Treasury Secretary Danny Alexander's daring raid on a Reykjavik bank earlier today. "These two guys just came bursting in waving sawn off shotguns and demanding that we handed over the money," a still shaking bank teller, who came face-to-face with the raiders told an Icelandic TV station. "They both had ski masks covering their faces, but they were wearing pinstripe suits and wanted the money put into a red box."

Problems ensued when bank staff told the raiders that they couldn't meet their demands. "They said that they wanted three billion euros, in small bills," recalls the teller. "Obviously, we don't carry that kind of cash. The fat robber then got really angry and tore of his mask - revealing that he was that English politician George Osborne - before firing his gun into the ceiling. The other one then got upset with him, calling him an idiot, the fat one shouted back 'For God's sake shut up, Danny, you didn't even have the nerve to bring a loaded gun, you liberal wimp'. After that, they just grabbed what cash we had and ran out of the bank." Frustrated by the bank's lack of cash, the robbers proceeded to hold up a nearby newsagent, before stealing an old lady's hand bag. By now pursued by the Icelandic police, Osborne and Alexander made good their escape, running to the docks and leaping into a waiting rowing boat. "We would have preferred a submarine or a fast jet, but, as the House will understand, we are currently operating under austerity conditions," Cameron explained to MPs. "Despite a disappointing haul from the bank itself, I'm pleased to announce that George and Danny have recovered a total of thirteen thousand euros, forty cartons of cigarettes, a whole stack of very explicit Scandinavian porn magazines and a very nice leather handbag. Sadly, they weren't able to get the old biddy's mobile, which we might have got a few quid for."

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