Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Christmas in the Lost City of Atlantis

Christmas, it seems, isn't happening at the OK Corral this year. Instead, the Lost City of Atlantis appears to have surfaced just outside of town. At least, that's what the temporary roadsigns are telling me: 'Christmas at the Lost City of Atlantis'. God knows what this entails. Having Christmas dinner underwater amongst the ruins of the fabled lost civilisation, perhaps? Doesn't sound very practical to me - eating Christmas pudding through a snorkel isn't at all appealing. To be honest, I'm just as bemused as to why anyone would want an Atlantis-themed Christmas party, as I was with regard to last year's OK Corral theme. Quite apart from the fact that it has no connection to Christmas - surely the Atlanteans would have been pagans, anyway, they pre-dated Christ, after all - it would hardly be conducive to a party atmosphere. Unless old movies have lied o me, Atlantis is ruled over by telepathic despots who practice human sacrifice and worship giant octopuses. Not to mention the dinosaurs. I don't know about you, but the last thing I want to see as I eat my mince pies is some young virgin being plucked off of a sacrificial altar by the slimy tentacles of some huge and bloodthirsty invertebrate.

Whilst on the subject of inappropriate Christmas celebrations, what about that Iceland advert, eh? You know the one - with all the can-can dancing housewives and Jason Donovan. What's that all about, eh? And why is Jason Donovan wearing stockings and suspenders in the final scene? What especially perplexes me about this development is the fact that up to this point he has clearly been wearing trousers. At no point do we see him remove them, and no explanation for the women's underwear is ever proffered. Taken together with that dodgy moustache he's wearing during the ad makes me wonder if this is some kind of allusion to those rumours that Donovan is gay? You know, the ones from the 1990s that he successfully took legal action over. I never could see why he got so upset about them, even if he wasn't gay - which, obviously, he isn't, this having been established in a court of law - there's nothing actually wrong with being gay. After all, we're all broadminded metrosexuals, even in the 1990s, secure enough in our own sexuality not to care what others think. At least, that's what I told Donovan as I bounced off the bonnet of his car in Trafalgar Square. Actually, that's a bit of an exaggeration - Jason Donovan wasn't actually driving the car which tried to jump the lights at a pedestrian crossing on Trafalgar Square that I was using - he was just in the passenger seat. And I didn't bounce off of the bonnet - I just smacked it with my hand and glared at the driver. But getting back to the point - are the makers of this ad trying to falsely 'out' Jason Donovan (even though he most definitely isn't gay)?

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