Blowing Up Johnny and Poking Camilla

Swedish police have confirmed that they now suspect the suicide bomber who detonated a car bomb in Stockholm, before blowing himself up with another device, was protesting at Sweden's continued investigation of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange for alleged sex offences. "It is true - the car which exploded had been filled with inflated condoms filled with highly flammable hydrogen gas," Chief Inspector Bjorn Horne told a press conference. "He blew himself up with a similar infernal device - he was carrying several hydrogen-filled condoms disguised as balloons when he exploded." At the centre of the allegations against Assange are claims that he had consensual sex with a woman using a broken condom. "It is clear that this mad bomber person was making some kind of statement about the fragility of condoms," opines Horne. "Perhaps trying to show how easily they can burst. Who knows, though?"

Meanwhile, authorities in the UK have confirmed that Prince Charles' wife Camilla was 'touched' when their car was attacked by protesters in London last week. "It is quite true that she was touched - Prince Charles apparently took advantage of the distraction provided by paint being thrown over the vehicle to feel her up," junior Home Office Minister Roger Rumpoe told the House of Commons. "Obviously, this is in direct contravention of usual Royal protocols, which forbid groping, fondling, pinching or anything else that could be construed as sexual foreplay, in a public place and before nine o'clock in the evening." Indeed, it has been widely rumoured that part of the Prince's marriage contract with Camilla expressly rules out any kind of physical relationship between the two. "She felt that they were both far too old for that sort of thing," claims top Royal expert Hugh Ropley-Tossington. "Camilla is of the firm opinion that sex should only be for procreation, and that a nice cup of tea is a preferable alternative for people of their age." Whilst refusing to confirm the existence of such an agreement, the government were keen to emphasise that, during the recent incident, Camilla most definitely was not poked, with a stick or any other long stiff object, by the Prince, as some reports had claimed.