Monday, November 01, 2010

Out With a Bang

We're in that strange week between Halloween and Guy Fawkes night once again. The pumpkins and costumes are vanishing, but we're not officially meant to be letting off fireworks yet. Unofficially, of course, the bloody things are going off all the time. Which isn't surprising - everyone has got themselves psyched up over Halloween, only for it to be over almost as soon as it has started, so naturally they're looking for another outlet for their enthusiasm. There are other solutions of course - like combining the two events. At least, that's what Big Sleazy managed to convince me to do this past weekend. Encouraged by my cousin Suzie Sleaze - she's from the US, where Halloween is much bigger than it is here - Big Sleazy donned a Michael Myers mask and set off trick or treating with a box of fireworks. Actually, it has to be said that, contrary to first impressions, Suzie was something of a moderating influence here - Big Sleazy's original concept for combining Halloween with Guy Fawkes Night involved firing rockets through the windows of the local Catholic church before burning the priest at the stake.

Anyway, getting back to what Big Sleazy actually did, I'm afraid it was all too predictable. Of course, most people being confronted with a grown man on their doorstep shouting 'trick or treat', simply told him to bugger off and slammed the door in his face. With dire consequences, Roman candles were shoved through their letterboxes and Catherine wheels nailed to their front doors. One poor bugger had his green house destroyed by a fusillade of rockets - he really shouldn't have told Big Sleazy to grow up and act his age. However, Big Sleazy's piece de resistance was to shove a bundle of bangers into any jack o'laterns he came across outside houses - there were bits of pumpkin spattered all over the fronts of houses up and down local streets.

Eventually, though, Big Sleazy found himself hoist by his own petard, so to speak. Drunk with the success of his destructive spree, (not to mention half a bottle of vodka), he forgot where he was and knocked on my front door. Unfortunately for Big Sleazy, I'd taken his advice about combining Halloween with Guy Fawkes night, and was prepared for trick or treaters - on the first knock, my door flew open and I fired the battery of rockets I had set up in the hallway. He was bloody lucky that I'd been expecting someone considerably younger to come trick or treating, so they were angled too low to hit his head, although one singed his scrotum as it passed between his legs. Not to worry - the hospital say that his pubic hair should grow back eventually, and that the third degree burns to his arm and chest aren't too serious. He should be fully recovered for next Halloween.

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