The Dead That Crap

"As if the cholera outbreak itself isn't bad enough, now the victims are rising from the dead as zombies - shitting zombies!" declares Jim Jubblyz, a relief worker in Haiti, where thousands have been stricken with cholera, in the wake of the earthquake which devastated the country earlier this year. "I don't know whether it's a voodoo curse, or what. All I know is that no sooner have the poor buggers expired, then they're on their feet again, attempting to eat people and emptying their bowels everywhere!" Jubblyz claims that the profusion of zombie crap is making the health situation even worse. "It's so bloody unhygienic - is it any wonder that more and more people are going down with cholera," he opines. "Still, I guess that it is just classic zombie tactics - if they don't zombify their victims by biting them, they do it by shitting on them!" Doubt has been cast on the relief worker's claims by both the Haitian government and international aid organisations. "This is just more racist stereotyping," says a spokesperson for the Red Cross. "You know, contrary to what most Italian horror films will have you believe, not everyone in Haiti practices Voodoo, and there is no evidence that the cholera outbreak has been spread by the shitting dead!"

Nevertheless, Jubblyz is sticking to his story. "I know what I've seen," he says. "Only yesterday I saw this freshly dead emaciated corpse rise up from its death bed, stagger over to an orderly, puke in his face, then tear his throat out whilst he was temporarily blinded by the vomit! Then he crapped all over the hospital floor before stumbling off." So bad has the zombie outbreak become, Jubblyz claims, that the military have been shooting the living dead by the score. "Last week a platoon of NBC-suited US Marines came racing into town in their Humvee, leaped out and mowed down a dozen or so zombies that were crapping in the street," he recalls. "Before leaving, they doused the bodies in petrol and set them ablaze. They told everyone who saw them not to say anything about it, for fear of spreading panic about the zombie outbreak!" Once again, Jubbylz version of events has been called into question. "Aren't these zombie rumours just being used as an excuse for trigger-happy foreign soldiers to commit murder?" asks the Red Cross spokesperson. "Labelling the local population as 'zombies' is surely just a way of de-humanising them so as to legitimise their ill-treatment?" The spokesperson also pointed out that people crapping in the street in a country whose infrastructure has been destroyed by a natural disaster is hardly evidence of a zombie invasion, merely a sign of extreme poverty.