Military Farce

Is David Cameron planning a military coup? Fears grew that, in the event of a hung parliament following the next general election, the Tory leader would attempt to seize power through military force after the Hampshire town of Alton found itself forcibly occupied by hundreds of World War Two Nazi soldiers. "It was a normal Saturday afternoon when they came into town," says local newsagent Jock Goggly, describing the bizarre events which befell the sleepy town. "We're used to having those World War Two re-enactment nutters turn up here - they're usually quite harmless - but this lot arrived in an armoured column!" Indeed, bemused shoppers looked on as a column of 1940s German vehicles, including what appeared to be a Tiger tank, rolled down the main street and proceeded to surround several buildings, including the town hall, police station, magistrates court and public library. "We all thought it was some kind of joke," explains Goggly. "The sergeant even came out of the police station and told them to piss off or he'd nick them. That's when they opened fire!" Faced with a hail of apparently real bullets, town officials and police had no choice but to surrender, and Alton found itself under military curfew. "It was a bloody outrageous! There was a swastika flag flying over the town hall and the buggers started requisitioning all my stock," recalls the newsagent. "They threatened to shoot anybody caught out on the streets after dark and started rounding up suspected Jews!"

The occupation was finally ended by a mass insurrection. "It turned out their bloody armoured vehicles were made out of plywood," says Goggly. "Two teenage lads took out the Tiger tank with an air rifle - the crew surrendered after one of them had his skin broken by a pellet!" Whilst the reason for the occupation of Alton is still unclear - the captured stormtroopers refusing to give the authorities anything but their names, ranks and numbers - some sections of the press are linking it with Cameron's election strategy. "It all makes sense - the way he's forged links with those far right European political parties, the fact he's slipping in the polls. This was just a dry-run for a possible coup attempt," opines George Frucktease, political correspondent of the Daily Norks. "Obviously, he can't use the real military - even they were interested in supporting him, they're all in bloody Afghanistan! So these so-called military re-enactment people are the next best thing!" Indeed, Frucktease has been warning of the potential threat posed by Nazi re-enactment enthusiasts for some time. "There are literally thousands of them - they far outnumber the British and American re-enactment enthusiasts," he explains. "It wouldn't be so bad if they just dressed up as Nazi soldiers, but for the past few years they've started building their own tanks! They're a virtual militia!" Naturally, the Conservative Party has denied having any links with these groups, and a leading World War Two re-enactment enthusiast has claimed the Alton incident was merely a misunderstanding. "I have it on good authority that the 'German' soldiers were expecting to meet some American re-enactment counterparts for a mock battle," claims Sturmbannfuhrer Eric Soddling of the West Berkshire SS 'Enoch Powell' Division. "Unfortunately, their highly unreliable Sherman tanks broke down outside of Guildford, so they never arrived. Typical American inefficiency!"